This is a sticky post, always at the top

This is not the kind of brainstorm I like

I am not fishing for compliments at all…I know what I have been feeling off and on the last few days is NOT TRUE I know it is my mind and biochemistry fucking with me for being so bad about taking ALL of my meds (I have been averaging half of them a day for a week)

I know that I am NOT stupid, unbelievably lazy, ugly, ancient, a monstrous burden on everyone I love, disgusting, the most annoying person in the world or unlovable….I KNOW it…but that doesn’t mean that off and on all day I have not FELT like that way.

This last few days I feel as if have no talent, no motivation, no drive to create, I just feel anticipation when I look at art supplies, and if all the other feelings didn’t scream DEPRESSION that one does.

I dont feel that way all the time and I am not someone who needs to be told I am wonderful all the time because usually the truth, the fact that I am a good person who is loved is enough for me, even when I worry about my intelligence due to my illness I know I am not stupid by any means just easily confused.

Also I really hate the feeling that I had to beg for compliments so that is not the point of this, I guess I just need to vent a little to release some of the feelings of being horrible my bi-polar brain is flooding me with.

I KNOW I am not all those bad things but it doesn’t change the fact that those feelings have been hitting me like waves in a storm all day and it is worse than PMS because I know it is my fault for not being more careful in taking my meds.

I am hoping they change my dose soon, waiting for insurance approval sucks but in the meantime I need to get serious and stop fucking around with taking my meds and take care of myself the way I deserve.

SIGH..I dont miss my old body but I sure do miss my old clothes

Tonight I went through my remaining clothes to find out what still fit (even if it is baggy but not falling off) and to find out what could be altered (shirts into dresses and material from dresses and skirts to be used in other outfits) and sorted out my sweaters into a drawer…without the stuff to be taken apart and sewn into about 6 items I now have 2 drawers of clothes (one is all sweaters) and two small drawers of under and night things as well as half a dozen items in my closet, mostly all second hand black dress shirts and my wedding dress.

As I sorted stuff I loaded up an entire bin with all my heavy velvet dresses that have been as altered as they can be and stuck it in the back of my nearly empty closet so that I can make a quilt out of the material someday.
I threw away the last of my thin velvety dresses (I use to have 7 of them, now the last two were not even worth saving the material as they were 15 yrs old and I hated doing it but they had been altered within an inch of their lives) and gathered up the few really big things I have still worth donating in that they have not been altered to death and boxed them up. I have already donated or given bags upon bags of clothing to charity and friends so there is only one liquor box full of stuff

I am thrilled that I have lost so much and that I wear a size Lg-2x instead of a 4-6X but I had been a 4-5X for over 12 years (a few 6X items fit in the last year before surgery) and I had spent a lot of that time accumulating clothes.  3 years ago I had an entire walk in closet full to over flowing with clothing including some great Gothic gowns and outfits and a 6 drawer dresser packed to the brim with clothing and a large suitcase full of seasonal stuff.
When Alex moved in I had started to lose weight and already had given a 13 gallon garbage bag of clothing away and put some of my stuff away to make room for his clothing, it was hard to find a handful of hangers for his few hanging items and yet now the floor of the closet is full of empty hangers and he has almost as many hanging clothes as do.
I am just slightly frustrated, I am still large enough (mostly 1-2X) that finding decent used clothing is pretty hard and even new things are often not in my size, the really large stuff like JMS sells out of 1-2X pretty fast and this year most of it sucks and the smaller things only go to 1x  lot of the time and are also no where near my style.  I am Goth and I love dark rich colors, black and grey and nice sensuous materials.  I used to wear full length skirts because I had no choice and now if they re not super light weight I cant stand them, my style has changed to what I always wanted it to be but now I dont have money or access to the clothing I want.

Oh well I could be bitching because nothing fits me at a size 7X so I will stop whining and start figuring out how to make the most of what I have.

Positive self talk challenge

I have posted about this recently and I am glad to see others promoting positive self talk as well.

http://slimpressions.com/content/positive-self-talk-challenge

I hope to be posting some art journal work on the subject this week.

More WLS Art Journal Pages

 

I “painted” my toenails in the pic with gel pen..lol

 

If I keep taking scale photos I need to paint my toenails

I am thinking purple polish for now, lets hope I get to change that color a lot for many pics with my feet and ever smaller numbers

 

232.0

So close, now to get serious, again

((I am 3-5 pounds away from being 231 pounds, half of the 463 I once got up to…I WANT to lose that by the 26th of April my 2 year anniversary of my surgery but my weight loss has slowed to a snails pace, and when I am honest with myself I know why…..))

Talking about health and changes in diet with my wonderful Future Brother In Law made me realize I just how badly I have been slacking on taking care of myself.  I have allowed excuses like working at a convention to justify my bad choices and even after it was all said and done I continue to make those bad choices.
“Well I am an addict” is NEVER acceptable justification for doing what you know is bad for you, my very very real sugar addiction (insulin resistance) does not justify me eating a candy bar or worse daily… if anything it means I have to be extra spacial careful NOT to give in so easily.
“I have an addiction” should be instead what I say to myself to remind myself how much worse what seems like simple choices to others are for me.
Some people are prone to certain addictions and not others, their bodies act almost opposite of someone with an allergy, most people I know have no issue with MSG but I do, most people I know have little or no insulin resistance (their bodies dont treat simple carbohydrates like a drug and start a craving cycle like for tobacco or alcohol)
On the other hand I have tired smoking cigarettes at different times in my life and even after doing it for a bit had no problem giving them up cold, my body never craved them while many of my friends dont function at all well without nicotine.
I will follow my own advice and take a serious look yet again at what, when and why I eat, I will decide what choices I am making that are sabotaging myself and I will change those behaviors and make better choices.
I did not come this far (with in a handful of pounds from half of my largest size) to allow myself and my excuses to get in my own way.

Do not let your inner voice bully you

That voice in your head that tells you you can’t do something or calls you names is a bully…you have to fight back and diligently correct negative self talk all the time because if you don’t stand up to your inner bully it will just get louder, meaner and more destructive. The more you internally denigrate yourself with hateful thoughts and doubts the more you will find you can not trust yourself, the more you will quit before truly trying.
Crack the whip… negative self speak needs active and determined correction.  If the inner Bully says “you are a failure” the inner protector needs to correct that statement (even if you can’t believe it at the moment say it to yourself) “No I am not a failure I am being too hard on myself and I deserve to succeed”
We would hopefully not be willing to accept seeing someone we care for bullied by another person, so why are we willing to sit back and allow the one person we most need to protect and nurture be tormented?

Weight countdown jars

23 months ago in Apr 2010 I had weight loss surgery, I was over 400 pounds, I had weighed 463 pounds when I was first scheduled for surgery in Aug 09 and since then I have lost nearly half my body weight
The half gallon bottle I tried was too small for 229 bamboo pieces (I used bamboo pieces from place mats and dyed them with alcohol ink I made) so this is a Gallon Jar next to a pint jar, my goal by the way is 190… not too worried about getting smaller than that just want to break 200

PI Day – DS healthy protein cheesecake Pie

PI Day every geeks favorite excuse to make Pie and play with math

So while my friends are making decadent and wildly unhealthy pies I decided to make 2 healthy ones
One savory pie and one sweet

Quinoa Crust Chicken Pie
Ingredients:
1 cup of cooked Quinoa
3 eggs
1 pound of chicken breast baked and diced
6oz of shredded cheese
1/2 cups milk
1/2 cup ricotta cheese
1 cup of chopped broccoli steamed
1 tbs cornstarch

Directions:
Oil a large pie pan or 8×8 cake pan
in a bowl mix together the quinoa and 1 of the eggs and pack into the bottom of the pan
bake this crust for 15 mins in a 350 oven (check after 10 mins, it should be slightly firm but not over cooked)
in a microwave safe bowl mix shredded cheese and ricotta and microwave for 45 seconds to soften them
mix the cornstarch and cold milk together and heat over medium temps in a sauce pan and as it begins to thicken add the cheese mixture and stir.
Season to taste
remove from heat and allow to cool a few minutes then whip in the remaining 2 eggs
Place the diced chicken and chopped vegetables over the quinoa and then pour the cheese and eggy mixture over it
place the pan back into a 350* oven and bake for 30mins or until a knife inserted in the middle comes back clean.

 

WLS Friendly High Protein cheesecake pie

Ingredients:
1 graham cracker crust. (I use store bought since it is such a small part of the pie but you can make a crust with SF cookies and butter)
2 sm packages of Sugar Free Cheesecake flavored Jell-o brand pudding
1 cup of whipping cream
1 1/2 cups milk
2 scoops vanilla protein powder (I prefer Syntrax Nectar)

Directions:
in a medium sized mixing bowl measure out 1 cup of whipping cream, using cold beaters whip the cream until medium stiff and set aside
in another bowl mix the protein powder and milk and then add the pudding mix and begin mixing it with the beaters
start folding in the whipped cream and continue to mix until fluffy
pour into the crust and refrigerate

If you wish to add fruit such as strawberries of blueberries I suggest slicing them and heating them in a small pan with an oz of SF Italian Syrup such as Torani or DiVinci until they are somewhat soft, cool and spoon onto the plate beside the pie

treat yourself…DIY Spa time #1

What do you do to celebrate things in your life?
I have always celebrated everything in my life with food, every holiday, birthday as well as every small success was an excuse for goodies and yummy usually bad for me food.  This really has made no sense when I do it to celebrate losing weight, I have finally broken the 240 mark enough to think it might last a while after yoyoing up and down from 237 to 243 for 5 weeks and I am 234 now so really it makes no sense for me to go out an have a piece of cake like I am sadly tempted to.
I am trying to break this habit as much as I can and shake things up by treating myself in different ways.  Since I can’t afford to shop often to buy some of the great things I would love to treat myself with I am coming up with treats that I can do cheaply or for pretty much free.
So today’s treat is an AVOCADO HAIR MASK

(note my hair is just past shoulder length so if yours is longer you may need to double the recipe)
Ingredients:
1/2 of a very ripe medium avocado
1 1/2 Tbs coconut oil
1 tsp jojoba oil

Directions:
Mash the avocado in a microwave safe bowl and add the coconut oil then microwave for 30 seconds
Add the Jojoba oil and blend very well… add a few drops of water if it is too thick

sitting over the bathtub begin to work the mixture into your hair and massage it into your scalp.  Cover your hair with a disposable plastic shower cap or large produce bag and wrap in a towel.
Leave on your hair for between 20 and 50 mins and rinse well then using a mild shampoo wash your hair and condition as normal.

Note: if you have any of the mix left over feel free to use it on your skin and rinse right off, it feels lovely.

What are some of the ways you treat yourself?  Any home spa day hints or just suggestions about ways to celebrate your small victories in life

PTSD from old pain?

Note: it is kind of hard for me to type right now, I am laying in bed with my right leg very elevated and my mini-laptop on my chest (propped up on a blanket so I can see the keyboard) and I am more than a little doped up so bare with me. Today I got my forth set of cortisone shots in my knees and for the first time the shot themselves were very painful due to inflammation of the joint and connective tissue. Since it is difficult for me to take any kind of anti-inflammatory medicine due to the weight loss surgery making NSaId drugs dangerous for me I had not thought to take anything for swelling and since the pain was not too bad when I walked in I thought everything would be ok. WRONG…the shots themselves were unusually painful and afterwards we went out to coffee and I walked a little thinking that it would help break down the crystals in the cortisone and loosen my knees up. WRONG AGAIN we went home (appointment at 10:10, coffee around 11, then home by 1) and my right knee started to ache a bit so I went to bed and made a big mistake. I had my electric throw over me and the heat from it may have increased the swelling because quickly the pain was excruciating and I could barely move. Alex needed to sleep since he works nights so I got out of bed and took some pain meds and even some rum out of desperation and no luck. A call to the doctors office had them informing me this sometimes happens and that if there is swelling before the shot it can be made worse which hurts and can pinch the already damaged nerves. They said to elevate it and ice it (I hate that part) I lay on the couch with my knee up and a bag of frozen cauliflower on it and called my mom and cried because the pain not only was so bad but because it reminded me of the years of pain I had with arthritis and the many many times I hurt this bad with arthritis when I was twice this big. I had jinxed myself by saying that the worst pain with the cortisone worn off before the shot was not as bad as an average day at over 440. I think if it is possible I have a form of PTSD where my knee pain is concerned, I am terrified of the pain not going away and spending the rest of my life like this. There will come a time when I need the knee replacements and I understand that they are horribly painful for months and ache for up to years but I am trying to put it off if at all possible and lose more weight…I think I needed this reminder about how serious this all is to motivate me.

If I had any doubt that I really do need to lose more, that I need to be far more serious about it all then this changed that, taking a step and wanting to throw up from the pain makes me realize that I can never slack, I can never allow myself to gain back the crippling weight that did this to my joints in the first place.

Another note, out of desperation I took a celebrex, I took maximum strength chewable antacid, ate some stomach coating stuff and hoped for the best (still hoping one NSaID doesn’t do too much harm)  In July when I do this again I am doing a few things differently:

#1 super hydrate to help with inflammation

#2 take the 2 days before it easy and not walk all over the place or go out a lot so the knees can relax (i over did in the days leading up to the shot Monday)

#3 the evening before and the early morning of I will take first a Celebrex then later a Midol with hardcore Antacids and stomach coating foods (1 of each…talked to my WLS doc about it nd once in a very long while it is ok)

#4 late night before the shot I will ice my knees for a while and lay on my back with them elevated

#5 as soon as the shots are done I will go home, elevate them and relax, Alex has agreed to plan on taking the 3 days a year I get my shots done off just in case so unlike tonight I wont be home alone if something does happen

and most of all

I want to lose at least 3-4 pounds a month between shots so that I can be down another 12-16 pounds by July (putting me at around 220)

Every pound I lose helps!!