What I gave up and What I got from WLS

Most people who didn’t know me pre-WLS dont realize my having WLS & losing weight meant not just giving up a paying job but a lot of ego boosts.  There was a time before surgery when I was doing BBW paysite modeling for money, actually decent money compared to the amount of work I did, only a few hours a week.  On top of the money there was the fans, knowing that men would pay money to see me doing nothing more than being semi naked (I never did sexual stuff or showed certain parts of my body) was an ego boost but I gave up fans as well as the money.
I know it sounds vain but at one time I had over 2500 guys on my yahoo group and I would get over 1000 hits in one day when I posted fully clothed photos on my personal site and I use to watch those numbers closely because they were my drug.  But even then I realized most of those men did not want to know the real me, did not want to know how I felt or what I thought.  Only a very small handful of those men ever made an effort to get to know the person inside the body without trying to get something from me.  Those very few men are still good guys, they cared more about me as a person then about their own desires and supported my choice to lose weight and have Weight Lose Surgery.
Other men and many women in the Fat Acceptance movement were not at all supportive, they could not accept that my pain was worse than no ego boost, worse than the fear of excess skin or doubt or worry about what might happen after surgery.
I honestly believe I was killing myself slowly, bit by bit.  I would of ended up in a wheelchair and for me that would be a death sentence.  My knees are totally gone, I have no cartilage and my health was getting worse and if I didn’t stay on top of it my weight would go up without any effort from me.
I believed in the Fat Acceptance message for a long time, and as a Size Acceptance person I still believe you should be able to have self esteem at any size regardless of weight, height or anything about your body.  But I believe there is a huge difference between accepting yourself and glorifying in the destruction of your body.  The  simple fact is you can be fit and fat as the Fat Acceptance movement likes to say but that is for someone somewhat over weight, you can not be HUGE, twice as big as your body should be and still be Fit, it doesn’t work.
I don’t hate the men who liked me at over 450 pounds, I don’t hate or hold ill will towards the Fat Acceptance movement.  I was the one who chose to believe what I think they honestly believe and I think I pretty much always knew better but it was easy to give in, to tell myself it was ok as the scale climbed so high I could no longer weigh in my drs office.
I gave up modeling the same time I decided that I was killing myself and that I needed the surgery, I could of kept going til I had lost the first 30 Pounds pre-op and no one would of noticed much but I could not keep glorifying being that huge when I wanted to lose it to be able to walk better & live longer. But I wont lie the ego boost was nice, but now my ego boosts come from within, not just from without.
I am proud when I control what I eat and not just because of my surgery, I am a Duodenal Switch, I don’t dump, I have about a 5 oz stomach at max and I can, trust me, cheat on my diet but I am learning control of both my physical appetite and my “head hunger”
Now if I can just reach goal and stay there I will know it was worth it all.


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Filed under changing how I think, goals, My Thoughts on WLS and Life, the past, WLS

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