I got bad news today, my grandfather had a stroke last night, he has been slowly fading away but it is a matter of days now A post about what is happening
I am also stressed because my mom keeps making me feel bad for wanting to actually celebrate My and Alex’s wedding, in my family people generally elope and maybe have a tiny party after, no engagement parties, no bacholorette parties, no showers or so it has just worked out the last 10 years. She seems to think we should do the same and acts like we are going so far over the top when in fact I have cut way back on everything I wanted.
We were in the store and I started to cry about how useless I feel and how upset I was and then I walked over to the candy aisle and picked up a 3.5 oz Dave Dark Chocolate bar and looked at Alex and said “you might as well get yourself one cause this is mine and I am not sharing.”
As I was heading over to the Candy Aisle I was wishing I could just buy a 7 or even 12oz bag of Cadbury mini eggs and this thought came into my mind “Sometimes I miss the Days of Oblivion, when I could eat what I wanted and get drunk if I wanted and not have to worry about pain and gas and everything”
And that is what they were, Days of Oblivion, I use to get upset and buy BAGS of candy (well a bag) or go to the bar and drink then eat stupid fried foods, because I would be so into the food, or the drink or pot back then that I would not think about what was wrong in my life until afterwards when I realized I had just made everything worse. Which by the way is pretty much what I have done just eating 2 oz of the chocolate as I sit here with a grumbling stomach and I know all those grumbles will be gas soon enough.
I spent DECADES feeding my pain and now I wonder will I ever not give in to that need? Will I ever be able to endure hardship without a pacifier? Unhealthy food, booze, pot? I gave up the last two with pretty much ease but the first one, well it is hard to give up when it surrounds you all the time and everything I eat these days sets off my guts from sugar to sugar free stuff so it is all annoying. I still give in to the snacks when I get upset, I once in a while crave a drink of something stronger than decaf tea but it is mostly missing be ABLE to drink if I want more than wanting to be drunk and I haven’t wanted to get high in well over a year.
I just want to get to the point where I dont reach for the goodies when stressed not because I know my stomach will punish me but because I just dont NEED or WANT them anymore