Happy 1 year surgery anniversary (why aren’t I happier?)

NOTE posting this a day late

A year ago, 4-26-10, I was at St Luke’s hospital in Boise Idaho, preparing for surgery wondering if my surgeon would be able to do laparoscopic duodenal switch on me or if I would wake up with a deep, long incision.  In August of the year before I had been denied one week before my surgery was first scheduled due to my gaining 13 pounds and getting to my top weight of 463 pounds.  The shock of being told I had to lose 33 pounds or never get weight loss surgery motivated me to lose 52 pounds over the next 9 months.
So that when they weighed me the day of the surgery I was 411 pounds and my surgeon let me know he would try laparoscopic surgery but was not sure if my loss was enough to let him finish that way.
I was not panicked that day, I just wanted it over and had an eerie calm feeling as they gave me a shot to put me out.  When I finally came too enough to know what was happening the first thing I asked was “Did they cut me open?”
The answer thankfully was no and over the next month I made a full recovery.  I began losing weight fast but somehow I never felt as if it was enough, as if I was failing as it seemed everyone I knew who had wls was losing so much faster.  Now that a year has past and I have lost 138 pounds (a total of 190) I still feel that way.
I know it is silly, in year I went from 411 to 273 but that doubting voice inside me says it should have been 150 or more pounds, preferably 175 pounds.
The thing is no matter how hard I try to think otherwise or how much my dr tells me I am fulfilling their expectations of my weight loss and that I am doing good I feel like I am failing, as if I should of lost at least another 30-50 pounds by now.  I know I probably could of done better if I had tried harder, if I could of gotten past the knee pain and worked out harder despite the pain and stiffness I have to deal with, but I guess I am sort of a wimp.  I also know  should of dieted more, I hear of people with WLS who eat less then 1400 calories but when I do I feel as if I am starving and as if I will end up eating uncontrollably at any moment.  I also don’t seem to lose weight as fast below 1600 calories but then I cant maintain 1400 or lower for more than a week or so.
I know I can’t expect to maintain 4 pounds a week loss when exercising is so difficult for me but I feel as if I should push through the pain even though my ortho tells me it is not smart cause the pain means the knees are getting much worse. But by the same token I also know I could take much better care of myself and so I need to sit down and make a serious list of what I am doing wrong and what I am doing right.
#1 I MUST stop getting dehydrated, it seems as if every other day I wake up dehydrated and then spend 2/3rds of the day fighting to fix that fact.  Dehydration makes my joint pain worse and is a large cause of the muscle spasms that keep me up at night (that and Iron)  I need to get a MINIMUM of 66 oz a day not including anything at all caffeinated or milk.

#2 I really need to take ALL of my vitamins and medicines everyday, the reason I was low on D and Iron was noncompliance on my part and I am the only one who can fix that.

#3 no matter how much it hurts I need to exercise more (read – at all) pain is something I live with and if I don’t get another 80 pounds off and build up my leg muscles I will never qualify to have my knees replaced

#4 I need to make sure I get much more protein on a regular basis, not a lot one day and half as much the next, I need 90 to 120 grams of protein a day.

#5 I must cut back drastically on carbs, I am addicted to them, and seem to have little control so it seems the only way I can deal with sugar is to avoid it as much as possible whenever possible.  I need to remind myself that every time I eat simple carbs it makes me just want more, I mean I am typing this and thinking “I wonder what goodies are there in the house?” It is a serious sickness and I may have to go cold turkey as much as possible which is sad since I want to be able to be in control of food finally.

Most DS patients have 16 to 20months of serious and comparatively easy weight loss followed by a much more difficult period of trying to lose and then trying to maintain both your weight and your health.  If I am lucky I have another 5 to 7 months of serious weight loss before it becomes a really serious battle to maintain and lose, this means I have about 5 months to change the bad habits I have developed.
I NEED to drop 80 pounds, preferably by the end of this year or by this time next year, my knees are in horrible shape and I need to be under 200 pounds before they will replace them and the sooner the better.

I hate that I can’t be as happy and impressed by my weight loss as my friends are, chances are they have the more realistic view of it over all. To me, 75% of the time, I am still just HUGE, in pain and fighting, and often failing in, my battle to control my relationship with food and my health.


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Filed under Accountability, changing how I think, goals, My Thoughts on WLS and Life, weigh ins, WLS

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