I mean who thinks the word Recidivism within moments of waking up anyway?

Last night I had a dream… I was at Dawson’s Downtown, the coffee shop I hang out at and the place where a large chunk of my recent misbehavior where carbs are concerned has taken place, and EVERYONE was trying to force baked goods on me and I wanted them so badly I was nearly in tears but I resisted and said no.

I woke up and laid there thinking “Oh god how long til these cravings fade this time?  Am I ever going to not be weak to carbs or am I going to always be fighting to lose weight for the rest of my life.”  As I got up the thought ran through my head “I will always be a at a risk for recidivism where my weight gain is concerned, I will have to diet and control everything I eat forever.”  I should of been upset by this thought but really I realized it is a fact and I need to start NOW while losing is easier and get the habits I need before it is too late.

So as you might of guessed I have given up simple carbs as much as I can yet again…wish me luck.  In fact I really need it since in the 3 weeks around the handfasting and the picnic on the 7th I gained 10 pounds… I have lost 3 of them but I am still very very unhappy and scared by this.

I gave up carbs almost completely in January then slowly added complex carbs until Valentines day when I had my first sugar in 6 weeks, wish I hadn’t started again.  Slowly at first the amount of simple carbs I ate added up bit by bit, gram by gram until I was eating way too many of them to feel good at all.

I know part of it was the stress of the Handfasting, I have always been prone to stress eat… and while it is an explanation it is not an excuse that I can use to justify my behavior because I do realize that no matter how great the stress I wont make the situation better by eating sweets.  Also I realize that when I give into stress eating I am setting off a chain of addiction to carbs that will just bring me more stress as time goes by.

As many people are aware, eating carbohydrates, especially simple carbohydrates, tends to increase your craving for other simple carbohydrates, you want more and more and the cravings can get quite bad.  I was explaining this to my dad and he asked “well what are simple carbs to avoid?”  I told him that if you find yourself stressed out and craving something chances are it is a simple carb.

“Carbohydrates set off a series of biochemical events that produce serotonin, the chemical that controls the brains stress-management system. Serotonin makes us feel calm and in control when events beyond our control threaten us, says Wurtman, a research biochemist and co-author of “The Serotonin Solution.”” http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/06/diet.html

many people can handle a small sugary snack, be it sweet or baked goods, but just as many people share my tendency to additive behavior towards simple carbohydrates and they can not always stop at a SMALL SNACK.  I have a stomach that has been altered to be tiny and a digestive system that hates sugar and that tends to make sure I know that fact and yet I seem to have only one way to deal with my addictive behavior where sweets and baked goods are concerned… going cold turkey and avoiding them all together.

This works for me for a few reasons I can think of:

#1 As I said (low fiber/sweet) carbs tend to just makes me crave more carbs and the more simple the carb the more I find myself getting out of control and wanting even more simple carbs (bread goods leading to candy) and here is why “Foods such as white rice, white bread, sweets and other sugary food are low in fiber and have a high glycemic index. Eating high glycemic foods (especially larger portions) can cause a quick spike in blood sugar, followed by a quick drop. This stimulates hunger and can cause the urge to eat more carbohydrates.” http://www.pcosnetwork.com/articles/dieting-weightloss/why-do-you-crave-carbohydrates/

#2 when I eat too many carbs I don’t get in all my protein (over 80grams a day) and the lack of protein tends to make me feel less full and messes with my blood sugar which in turn makes me crave sweets.  When I make myself concentrate on getting over 80 grams of protein a day I just dont have as much room or desire for carbs.

#3 lets face it I have really bad will power issues, there is seldom such a thing for me as “a little” oh there might be once or twice but the more I give in the easier it is to do so, not just to carbs but to other things as well and for me it is often easier to say “No” completely than to try to moderate.

And finally…

#4 I often feel as if I am out of control with many things but most of all with food and my ability to control my cravings and my lack of impulse control and that feeling makes me feel like a failure and that feeling causes stress which my body wants to treat by demanding carbs… vicious cycle huh?  Beyond the serotonin/carbs cycle is the fact that when I feel like a failure (especially where food is concerned) I have a tendency to tell myself “what does it matter, you have failed this time might as well fail BIG… Fuck the world, I’ll show them.”  This is the dumbest thing I can say to myself since the fact is most of the world could give a flying fuck if I binge on cake or if I eat chocolate.. and the few people who do honestly care don’t deserve that attitude at all.

For me the only way to feel as if I am in control of my food cravings is to fight them tooth and nail and show myself (since really I am the only one who can make a difference) that I in control, that I can in fact take the steps needed to combat my addictions and move forward and for me the only way I feel in control is to not have any simple carbs and only few complex ones.  No this does not mean I will never have a treat, it does mean I need to be very selective about the treats I have and not let that “treat” become a habit again.


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Filed under changing how I think, Food, goals, WLS

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