There has been a lot of talk about bullying and peer abuse so I thought i would repost this blog entry from 10-19-10 on my Standing on the Borderline Blog
I once had a counselor ask me when I was around 24 if I had ever been abused..that I had all the symptoms of sever abuse, and I said no, my family was cool, no one I knew, or didn’t, had ever touched me and then after about the 3rd time it came up he asked what had school been like for you…. were you bullied?
I told him
This man who had been a counselor for 30 years looked at me in shock as I detailed the mental, emotional and even physical abuse I went through everyday from 4 to 16 until at 16 I nearly died in an attempt on my own life because it had me so off center.
I detailed the rumors and lies, the physical fights, the daily attacks on my person, my space and my sanity as well as how it made me hate school, how I eventually feared going to University because of it and was so relieved to realize that it was different. I told him how I went through a year of diagnosed stress related narcolepsy in 5th grade, I was so messed up I would basically pass out in class or on the school field and not wake up.
I told him how the teachers saw it and how if I complained i got told “well if you lost weight (I did not start to get heavy til 11) well if you were not so odd, or if you liked girl stuff maybe they would like you” the few times a kid’s parent was brought in they all said the same thing… “kids will be kids and if she was not so different they would leave her alone”
I got told it was my fault.
I told him how this behavior carried on into my 20’s how I was always on the outside of any group I wanted to be part of, how I was often shunned and always just told myself it was my fault, something was so wrong with me that no matter how I tried I could not fit in.
He told me “T’Rina you were abused and it effected you like any abuse except in some ways it is worse because you dont have one or two people to be mad at, to focus anger and then healing on, you have an entire world you learned to fear and that you could not expect help from the people who are suppose to help you.”
That treatment I suffered through not only stayed with me as memories but it is most likely what led up to my Borderline personality disorder and DECADES of pain and bad choices based on the way people were allowed to treat me when I was young. By the time I was out of school I was marked a victim and many people sense that victim status and attack, I did not know how to behave with people because I had learned to be defensive and alternately try to please everyone or defend myself, both behaviors that put people off. It took me decades of therapy and meds to stop that behavior, bit by bit.
I am nearly 42 now and I am ONLY just learning to trust, I am only just beginning to understand deep deep inside that I am truly worth loving and deserve to be treated well. It wasn’t til this last horrible relationship that I realized I was allowing myself to be abused mentally still and that I was the only one who could fight the terror of being abandoned and alone that feeling as if anyone at anytime could turn on me had caused and get on with my life.
It wasn’t til now I could accept that someone as wonderful as Alex could really love me.
I just wish I could find certain people from back then and tie them to a chair and somehow make them listen and more importantly UNDERSTAND what their actions did to me, what I fight with everyday to survive and overcome, and do the same to their parents, tell them “these children you raised nearly destroyed me because you thought it was OK to torment someone.”
Anyway it is partly from finally having good decent friends in and out of the goth community, here in Boise and around the world who honestly care about me, that I was finally able to say I am worth love and affection and that I am not that scared and hurt child/teen anymore