Why do I still feel 400 Pounds?

I just realized something today… I am 400 pounds and I have been for about 12 years, well maybe not on the scale but in my head, in my head I am still 400 pounds.
When I was over 450 I was still 400 in my head, I did not realize how unhealthy I looked, yes I knew I was fat but I didn’t realize how unhealthy my skin was, my hair, my general self, I felt I looked about like I did at 400, I was in denial.
And now when I am nearly 250 pounds (205 pounds smaller than my highest weight) and I should be feeling all smaller and sleeker I still feel 400 pounds in my mind, I still feel huge and there are those who would say that 259 IS HUGE but for me it is not, really it isn’t, except in my head.
And what is the main culprit of this? Clothing, the fact is as I gained weight I wore many of the same items I am wearing now, I always wore sort of baggy stuff not to hide but cause I enjoy comfort and for me those things were comfortable and since I am the definition of broke and just getting my meds and protein and vitamins every month is an effort getting new clothes has been catch as catch can with me. I have thankfully stumbled on to some amazing wal-mart sells, leggings for $3 light weight sweaters $3 and I did buy sizes down to 2x to put away for later but what is it that stopped me from grabbing up the 1x’s and putting them away? I guess there is still a part of me that is not sure I will ever be under 200pounds, that I will ever wear a XL or a L and I am not sure how to get over that.
I still like my style, bohemian gothic, flowing, free and not clinging, gypsy meets Halloween witches. But I know that I have to admit that I have taken in my velvet dresses as much as I can, and that while I can justify one alteration to my long skirts the heavier ones will not work with just pulling in the waistbands. I need to actually take panels out of them and make them a different size all together. I also have to accept that when I get to 200 pounds I need to completely make new skirts and maybe even buy some (problem being I can’t find for the price I can afford the skirts I like) and I will need to replace most of my tops and take in the few worth saving.
So Alex and I talked about this and we decided unless I find more amazing $3 sales I need to invest in a single foundation garment a month (like I said we are broke, I am trying to find a job I can do with my disability but it is hard) this month was shoes and socks, next month is a bra after that probably shape wear. I am determined to take my skirts to grandmas and start remaking one a week, I will also make a completely new skirt or tank dress to wear under my tops once a month out of something interesting and different material wise.
Now if I had my choice I would have amazing clothes and here are some I love…


1 Comment

Filed under Altering Clothing, changing how I think, Fashion After WLS, goals, Motivation, My Thoughts on WLS and Life, Plus-Size Clothing, the past

One response to “Why do I still feel 400 Pounds?

  1. I still feel 400 lb. as well. It is a mentality I think I will fight for a very long time.

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