Please please please

Make me stop feeling like a failure.

I never use to care much about my weight as is obvious by the fact I weighed 453 pounds just over 2 years ago and I KNOW in my head that losing 200+ pounds is AMAZING and yet I just seem to keep losing 10 pounds and then I gain back 5 and then stall.  Well this time I lost 15 FAST and I thought I was doing everything right, that I had figured out that I was getting too FEW calories and no where near enough protein but I worked a convention last weekend and blew my diet to hell and now I am fighting to drop the 5 pounds I gained at the convention AND fight the carb monster on my back.

I had good intentions when I started out for con, I was so proud to fit into a size 2x shirt so I took healthy high protein stuff to the con, I loaded our cooler with steak and pork, chicken salad and BBQ pork and other good stuff.  But then I managed to screw up and did two things wrong, #1 I did not make enough variety and I got sick of what I had pretty quick and second we did not freeze the weekend freezer packs well enough and the fridge was not big enough for all my food and some of it, namely a lot of steak and pork tenderloin strips went bad in the cooler.  I ended up eating a terrifying amount of beef jerky and mixed nuts and more than my share of carbs. So even though i ran all over the convention and did a ton better than I thought I could I gained weight and it is holding on a week later, I am up to 256.8 from 252.2, I know it doesn’t seem like much but i was hoping so much to stay under 250 after reaching 249.4  a few days before the convention started.

My biggest problem isn’t 4 or even 6 pounds gained it is that I am fighting feeling like a failure.  I am aware part of these feelings of depression have to do with the fact that for 5 days I really blew taking my meds, it’s not so much the vitamins but the phych meds that have effected me, I got 1 out of 4 doses everyday (occasionally 2) for 4 days and I am fighting to get back on track with them.

Beyond the chemical issues is the fact that I KNOW I screwed up left and right.  I screwed up by waiting so long on that last stall to do what I needed to do, shake up my diet, try new things.  I also KNOW I am not very compliant to a lot of things, I dont exercise enough and i justify it by the fact that it HURTS a lot when I over do and it doesn’t take much to over do BUT I also was doing leg lifts and had no problems and I NEED to go back to that, I NEED to get serious FAST.

Every mistake I make weighs on me but I dont seem able to stop it, I desperately want to be under 200 by this time next year and it just seems to be getting harder and harder, not only to lose but to believe I CAN lose.

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Filed under Accountability, fears, My Thoughts on WLS and Life, obsessions

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