This is not the kind of brainstorm I like

I am not fishing for compliments at all…I know what I have been feeling off and on the last few days is NOT TRUE I know it is my mind and biochemistry fucking with me for being so bad about taking ALL of my meds (I have been averaging half of them a day for a week)

I know that I am NOT stupid, unbelievably lazy, ugly, ancient, a monstrous burden on everyone I love, disgusting, the most annoying person in the world or unlovable….I KNOW it…but that doesn’t mean that off and on all day I have not FELT like that way.

This last few days I feel as if have no talent, no motivation, no drive to create, I just feel anticipation when I look at art supplies, and if all the other feelings didn’t scream DEPRESSION that one does.

I dont feel that way all the time and I am not someone who needs to be told I am wonderful all the time because usually the truth, the fact that I am a good person who is loved is enough for me, even when I worry about my intelligence due to my illness I know I am not stupid by any means just easily confused.

Also I really hate the feeling that I had to beg for compliments so that is not the point of this, I guess I just need to vent a little to release some of the feelings of being horrible my bi-polar brain is flooding me with.

I KNOW I am not all those bad things but it doesn’t change the fact that those feelings have been hitting me like waves in a storm all day and it is worse than PMS because I know it is my fault for not being more careful in taking my meds.

I am hoping they change my dose soon, waiting for insurance approval sucks but in the meantime I need to get serious and stop fucking around with taking my meds and take care of myself the way I deserve.

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2 Comments

Filed under Accountability, Arthritis and health issues, depression and mental health, fears, medication and vitamins, taking steps to improve things

2 responses to “This is not the kind of brainstorm I like

  1. Tette

    Hmm… why should your doctor change your medication dose…? If you are not taking the correct dose now, he -or you- really can’t tell if it would actually _be_ the correct dose. Changing dose doesn’t help one bit if you are not taking your meds :S
    How about you really concentrate on taking care of most important person in your life: YOU. Take your meds -yes, all of them, and on time too- and then watch if that will make a difference.
    Love yourself, take care of yourself and treat yourself as you would treat others.

    • The dose really isn’t changing so much as the number of times a day I would take it…3 instead of 4 and it would put me back to my old dosage of 450 instead of 400

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