Feeling in control for once

Nov writing month blog challenge day 3

CONTROL
The thing is in the last 11 days of not eating any sugar my only cravings have been purely mental ones after the second day, usually when I try to cut back or just have even 1 piece of dark dark chocolate a day I crave the sugar physically far worse than mentally but I realized that due to a long term problem with chronic fatigue syndrome dating back to my teens when my weight went insane I have major physical reactions to sugar and caffeine and they can increase my pain and inflammation. 
Without any processed sugar and less than 25% of the caffeine I was drinking just 2 weeks ago I now have less pain, anxiety and anger issues and I am not as exhausted all the time but I have to accept that I will always face triggers but I am the one who aims the gun so to speak.  I choose if I eat, I Choose what I eat, I am not helpless to my cravings and if I keep resisting them physically at least I will be more able to resist the urge. 
I did not give in last night despite the list of excuses and I realize I don’t have to ever give in if I don’t want to. 
Maybe for one of the first time ever in my life I am not just exerting real control over what I eat and why but more to the point for the first time ever I FEEL IN CONTROL.  I have quit sweets before but I always thought of it as a transient condition.  I was always just waiting out whatever goal date I had set for myself, such as no sugar for a month, counting down the days til I could indulge my addiction. 
This is the first time I have no deadline, no end date, I am not telling myself that we will have cake for my birthday in a month, or if I behave I can have Christmas as a free day and yet I feel safer and more in control of my eating than I ever have before.  Accepting that there is no way for me to have free days without them becoming free months is also truly for the first time accepting I have a biological issue that effects how my body deals with sugar and that while my addiction is not my fault my recovery is my responsibility.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Addiction, Arthritis and health issues, challenge, chronic fatigue syndrome, Food, obsessions, positive thought, taking steps to improve things

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s