Trying to get back on the wagon

I have spent the last 22 days being dragged behind the sugar wagon I fell off of right before my birthday.  Before that I had spent over a month barely eating carbs other than dairy and vegetables.
At first I lost 8 pounds (I was in the 220s for quite a while) and was honestly hoping that I would break 210 and stay there for a bit. But the weight decided to yo-yo between 217 and a one time 209 no matter what I did or did not eat.
Now that I have lost control of my Carb intake I am still yo-yoing but the number is now between 214 and 219, not much of a difference so far but it wouldn’t take much to end up back over 220 on New Year’s Day.
But beyond the pounds is the fact that I feel awful, physically and mentally.  I feel as if I have failed myself and everyone who has faith in me, I hurt and I am embarrassed by the effects eating sugar has on my body.  There are times I cry even when I am alone and I am the only one who suffers the effects.
The sick part?
Every time I get upset I want more sugar.  I will be in pain, my stomach as tight as a drum and my joints aching and still if it is in the house I will eat it.
And that is the rub, it simply can Not be in the house, I am not strong enough to resist it long enough to let the physical side of my addiction (a form of insulin residence) play itself out.
As long as I can make it past the first 10 days with no sugar I am fine, I feel more in control, I can see it in stores, I can smell it and even be around it and I can resist.  IF I can take the first step, if I can break the habit.
Maybe this time I will make it longer and maybe this time if I fall off the wagon in a few months I will get back on and not be dragged behind it for days and weeks.

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Filed under Accountability, Addiction, changing how I think, depression and mental health, goals, Motivation, obsessions, pain, taking steps to improve things

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