You know some people who call me friend have in the last few months posted some pretty insulting stuff toward fat people, memes and jokes.
So I wonder “is that how they saw me when I was twice this big?”. What about now? I am still fat by all cultural and health standards, and in my mind, in my heart and soul I am still huge and part of me always will be. Is that what they see now? Some not quite human enough joke?
If I ask or comment I get things like “well you aren’t like that now” or “well yeah but I never think of YOU that way” or “oh it is just a joke don’t take it personally”
The thing is it is personal, even when it is not me they mock it effects me and always has.
I never forgot rude comments, insults and mocking by people who claim to like and even adore me even when they were not specifically aimed at me they take a bite out of me.
I may not remember all of the images that they posted, I may not remember all the words so carelessly and unfeelingly tossed around mocking other humans for being like me, but I DO remember the hurt feelings, every bit of feeling as if I was slapped, every bit of betrayed feelings.
And you wonder why part of me will always feel FAT?
You wonder why part of me is always going to be hyper sensitive to mocking and insults?
There is a part of me that will always be broken, not just my body but part of who I am will always be that fat chick who felt every insult like a slap across the face.
You know I had a trainer once tell me the people she admired the most were the big ones who had to struggle to work out but do even if it is just walking. Any healthy young person can walk a mile and many won’t but for someone who use to be where I was (450+) or even where I am (215) to try, to struggle to just move that extra bit can be really hard and a major effort.
If you are smaller or know someone who is who thinks it is OK to mock big people then find a friend who weighs what you do, put them on your back and do dishes, clean the house and go for a walk with twice your current weight holding you down and then wonder why it is so hard for big people to work out or why some of us have had to go to drastic measures like having most of our stomachs cut out and part of our insides moved around.
Next time you think to mock a fat person just go up to the biggest person you like and smack them across the face because that is what it feels like when one of my friends post ‘jokes’ and insults about fat people.