Fear of screwing it up

I will be honest, I am scared of screwing up this knee replacement thing.
I am not afraid it will hurt, it WILL hurt like hell but that pain should end soon enough compared to a lifetime of pain.
I am not afraid that the joint will fail or I will die, I am healthy, the odds of either are rare and I can only hope for the best.
No I am afraid that *I* will fuck this up by not being dedicated enough, not being strong enough to push through the pain and do what needs doing. I am afraid I wont be able to make myself do my pre surgery exercises in a sensible way and not set myself back, I am afraid I will slack on my physical therapy when the time comes.
I know I have an illness that makes everything seem just that much harder but I can’t help it, deep in my heart of hearts I am convinced, no matter how hard I try to think otherwise, that I am just lazy and a weakling.  Maybe it all really is my fault, maybe everything from insulin resistance to chronic fatigue are totally in my head and in the end I am just lazy.
Or worse, maybe they arent in my head, maybe I just can’t win.
OK so I have vented those fears so it is time to put them to rest, even if I am just lazy I can change, I can keep trying.  Even if it is an illness that makes everything I do harder I simply have to work smarter and more diligently and do what I already should be doing for my health with my eating, very high protein, moderate healthy fats, and very low carbs with very little gluten. 
And when it hurts, when I want to quit and give up I have to remember that this battle is for my quality of life as well as the quantity because I need to keep moving to stay healthy.

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1 Comment

Filed under Arthritis and health issues, changing how I think, chronic fatigue syndrome, confession, depression and mental health, fears, knee replacement, Motivation, spoonie

One response to “Fear of screwing it up

  1. keep up the good work. I am getting my left knee replcement on Wednesday. It hurts so much now that I know it can’t hurt more after surgery. Like your can do attitude.

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