Category Archives: confession

Fear of screwing it up

I will be honest, I am scared of screwing up this knee replacement thing.
I am not afraid it will hurt, it WILL hurt like hell but that pain should end soon enough compared to a lifetime of pain.
I am not afraid that the joint will fail or I will die, I am healthy, the odds of either are rare and I can only hope for the best.
No I am afraid that *I* will fuck this up by not being dedicated enough, not being strong enough to push through the pain and do what needs doing. I am afraid I wont be able to make myself do my pre surgery exercises in a sensible way and not set myself back, I am afraid I will slack on my physical therapy when the time comes.
I know I have an illness that makes everything seem just that much harder but I can’t help it, deep in my heart of hearts I am convinced, no matter how hard I try to think otherwise, that I am just lazy and a weakling.  Maybe it all really is my fault, maybe everything from insulin resistance to chronic fatigue are totally in my head and in the end I am just lazy.
Or worse, maybe they arent in my head, maybe I just can’t win.
OK so I have vented those fears so it is time to put them to rest, even if I am just lazy I can change, I can keep trying.  Even if it is an illness that makes everything I do harder I simply have to work smarter and more diligently and do what I already should be doing for my health with my eating, very high protein, moderate healthy fats, and very low carbs with very little gluten. 
And when it hurts, when I want to quit and give up I have to remember that this battle is for my quality of life as well as the quantity because I need to keep moving to stay healthy.

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Filed under Arthritis and health issues, changing how I think, chronic fatigue syndrome, confession, depression and mental health, fears, knee replacement, Motivation, spoonie

No more excuses

I know I need to make changes and finally I am finding reasons to get my knees done, reasons to be healthy, reasons to try, now I am seeking the Ways to make it happen.

It is time for me to step back and take a look at my life, ask myself “what do you want most to actually achieve? What things would you like to do that you have either not done or given up on?”
One of the first steps is to list my goals:
simple goals
difficult goals
complicated goals
realistic but hard goals.
Now is the time when I must take a much harder look, dig deep and ask myself “what excuse do I use to not even try to make these goals come true? What excuses am I giving others and worse, myself, to not make it happen or to not even find a way to do the best that I can and at least keep attempting to make it happen.”
It is time to be brutal, be honest and once I have a list of excuses I need to make another list of why each of those excuse is total bunk and bullshit, then make a list of ways I can try to achieve each thing, ways I can change things in my life to accomplish my goals.
It is time to stop finding excuses and start finding ways.

Excuses that all lead back to me needing to get my knees replaced:

I can’t exercise enough because my knees hurt so much (get them fixed)
I don’t sleep well partly due to pain and it makes me cranky (time to get them done)
I eat goodies I know will make me sick because of pain, I have little control when it hurts so badly (then it is time to face the fact this pain will last forever without a replacement)
I can’t lose weight if I can’t walk without so much pain (*cough* sugar *cough cough* sweets *cough* KNEES, REPLACE, NOW)

Excuses I have used to avoid getting my knees replaced (and the answers to why it is wrong)

Pain, it will hurt (I hurt every day of my life, I am currently 44yrs old with no massive illnesses, that is not right when I could fix it.  The pain and bad knees make me walk badly, my hips, back and feet pay the cost.  Major pain for 6 months to a year or ever increasing pain for life?)
They won’t last long (actually if I am good and keep my weight down I could be looking at 15 to 20 years, I would be 60-65 before they needed redoing and by then they might even have better ways to do it)
I will need so much help for a while I will be a burden (hate to break this to you chica but you are going to end up a bigger burden in 10 years if you can’t walk, now you will heal faster than you will at 55 and now mom and Alex can actually help you, then someday maybe you can help them.)
SCARS-12 inch+ scars (fuck you, I am aging faster due to pain, I see it on my face every day and it is worse on bad days, I am covered in stretch marks, I lost half my body weight, my husband doesn’t care about all that why should scars matter?)
I need to be under 200 pounds for a while (think back, that was my plan, the surgeon was willing to do them at 250 pounds, I wanted to lose to a magic number and I don’t think it will happen without the surgery, don’t lie to yourself)

So no more excuses, in a week I will know if we can do them,I want them done in April, I have 2 major events in March, I want chances of snow and ice to be slim and if the cortisone helps I would like to build up some more muscle.  If I have to have them done sooner, oh well it will have to be.
No more excuses.

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Filed under Accountability, Arthritis and health issues, challenge, changing how I think, confession, fears, goals, health, Motivation, pain, taking steps to improve things

I spent WHAT on junk food last month??

I am hoping we will see a major ($120-$170) a month reduction in what we spend by just my stopping eating ALL simple carbs and 85% of coffee (which I only drank while out)
My purchases of just to go (gas station) coffee was over $75 a month and I drink cheap stuff (drip coffee and milk) and though I still go to coffee as a social thing we dont buy sweets while there so that cuts the bill by $2-$4 a trip (2 or 3X a week)

I had gotten so that on average I was spending maybe $20+ a week on junk food which considering I have had Weight loss surgery and my guts dont do well with sugar is actually a lot. I dont keep Alex from eating sweets but before if I wanted a donut I got one for him as well, if I wanted sweets we split it and he doesn’t have my sweet tooth so now he doesnt eat it as much and not around me just to be nice.
I have bitched that the amount of protein I have to eat is so pricey but it is amazing realizing that I was eating over $100 a month in just junk food.

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Filed under Accountability, Addiction, confession, money, random daily stuff

Addiction

I am fucked up in the head, an addict physically and mentally. My addiction is sugar, simple carbohydrates, before you scoff understand that I am insulin resistant, this means my body treats sugars as if they were an addictive substance more than most people’s bodies do.
Addiction is knowing something is going to make you sick and you still do it, it is still wanting it, thinking about it, craving it to the point of distraction even as it is actively making you ill, making you miserable.
I have to get serious, I am desperate to get some control over myself and I think I need to do it now. I know HOW to do it I just am not sure if I CAN give it up the way I need to, but I do know this addiction is out of hand and it is making my life miserable and could ruin everything I have had weight loss surgery for.

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Filed under Accountability, Addiction, Arthritis and health issues, changing how I think, confession, fears, health, obsessions

They forced me… no really, no I mean…sigh

Today I went to Burger King to get a large unsweetened Ice tea with lite lemonade and ordered a “Tiny brownie sundae, do you still have those little kids size brownie sundaes”  After being tols yes I got to the window and was given a HUGE ASS sundae and charged $2.50.  I asked about the little sundae they had had the week before and they acted like I was crazy (by the way they had it until 2-29)
So there I am bitching after I paid for this monster and drove away (cause I am too big a wuss to not take it) and I say to Alex well I will just eat the same amount as I think the little sundae would have (which really was MAYBE a bite and a half of brownie and a bit of ice cream) and mad at them the entire time I ate way way too much.
I probably only ate a 1/6th of the entire thing, probably actually 2 times the amount I had thought I was getting and since it was ice cream I am SICK SICK SICK
and for a moment as I was being sick yet again I thought FUCK BURGER KING THOSE FUCKING FUCKS.
REALLY?????
The next thought was shut up T’Rina, no one told you to pay for it when they did not give you what you wanted,
No one told you to order it in the first place, even the TEENY TINY little sundae would of upset your stomach
AND NO ONE SAID TO EAT THE STUPID ASS THING
No one forced me, no one has ever forced me to eat or ever had to.
I did it to myself, I always have and if I dont get my head on strait I always will be eating the foods that are not good for me and that now make me sick.
I need to be in control.
I need to be the boss
and I need to take responsibility

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Filed under Accountability, changing how I think, confession, Food

Confession #2

The thought of giving up sweets, not just sugar and simple carbs but cutting way back on sweetners to help me kick my sugar addiction is making me want to cry.  I don’t want to do it but I know I have to and I resent that fact.

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Filed under confession