Category Archives: depression and mental health

Wow you win feel better?

You know I lived my younger life watching certain people one up each other with how bad their lives are compared to each other, who was sickest, who was craziest and who took what drugs, who was the most damaged by abuse.  They fought to prove who was the winner at being on the losing end at life.
Well by age 11 I had walked the fuck away from that competition, even as a kid I saw it for what it is, a way to put other people down to make yourself feel better by showing that you have it far worse.
I try not to do that, just because there are kids starving in India doesn’t make someone who hasn’t eaten in a day less hungry.  Just because I am also sad doesn’t make your depression invalid, just because I lost more weight doesn’t make every pound you lost less difficult or less a triumph and if I choose to point out that I also suffer these things I hope that I am gracious enough to say ‘I know how hard that kind of feeling is and you have my sympathy and if you need to talk I am here.”. I am not always perfect but I hope I do better most of the time.
Just because your life was a soap opera of disastrous proportions doesn’t mean that I should not stress about MY pain and MY anxiety on (say it with me) MY personal blog. 
I do not chase people down and ask them to read my blog, I don’t post links to it in random locations, I might link to it on My Twitter or My Facebook account but again I don’t chase down random people and beg them to read it.
So since I refuse to play the “your life is worse than mine so my feelings are not real or valid” game if you don’t like what I write move on to find someone else who didn’t walk away from that form of mental abuse 33 years ago.


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Filed under depression and mental health, Random Thoughts, the past

Fear of screwing it up

I will be honest, I am scared of screwing up this knee replacement thing.
I am not afraid it will hurt, it WILL hurt like hell but that pain should end soon enough compared to a lifetime of pain.
I am not afraid that the joint will fail or I will die, I am healthy, the odds of either are rare and I can only hope for the best.
No I am afraid that *I* will fuck this up by not being dedicated enough, not being strong enough to push through the pain and do what needs doing. I am afraid I wont be able to make myself do my pre surgery exercises in a sensible way and not set myself back, I am afraid I will slack on my physical therapy when the time comes.
I know I have an illness that makes everything seem just that much harder but I can’t help it, deep in my heart of hearts I am convinced, no matter how hard I try to think otherwise, that I am just lazy and a weakling.  Maybe it all really is my fault, maybe everything from insulin resistance to chronic fatigue are totally in my head and in the end I am just lazy.
Or worse, maybe they arent in my head, maybe I just can’t win.
OK so I have vented those fears so it is time to put them to rest, even if I am just lazy I can change, I can keep trying.  Even if it is an illness that makes everything I do harder I simply have to work smarter and more diligently and do what I already should be doing for my health with my eating, very high protein, moderate healthy fats, and very low carbs with very little gluten. 
And when it hurts, when I want to quit and give up I have to remember that this battle is for my quality of life as well as the quantity because I need to keep moving to stay healthy.


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Filed under Arthritis and health issues, changing how I think, chronic fatigue syndrome, confession, depression and mental health, fears, knee replacement, Motivation, spoonie


You know some people who call me friend have in the last few months posted some pretty insulting stuff toward fat people, memes and jokes. 
So I wonder “is that how they saw me when I was twice this big?”. What about now? I am still fat by all cultural and health standards, and in my mind, in my heart and soul I am still huge and part of me always will be.  Is that what they see now? Some not quite human enough joke?
If I ask or comment I get things like “well you aren’t like that now” or “well yeah but I never think of YOU that way” or “oh it is just a joke don’t take it personally”
The thing is it is personal, even when it is not me they mock it effects me and always has.
I never forgot rude comments, insults and mocking by people who claim to like and even adore me even when they were not specifically aimed at me they take a bite out of me.
I may not remember all of the images that they posted, I may not remember all the words so carelessly and unfeelingly tossed around mocking other humans for being like me, but I DO remember the hurt feelings, every bit of feeling as if I was slapped, every bit of betrayed feelings.
And you wonder why part of me will always feel FAT?
You wonder why part of me is always going to be hyper sensitive to mocking and insults? 
There is a part of me that will always be broken, not just my body but part of who I am will always be that fat chick who felt every insult like a slap across the face.

You know I had a trainer once tell me the people she admired the most were the big ones who had to struggle to work out but do even if it is just walking. Any healthy young person can walk a mile and many won’t but for someone who use to be where I was (450+) or even where I am (215) to try, to struggle to just move that extra bit can be really hard and a major effort.
If you are smaller or know someone who is who thinks it is OK to mock big people then find a friend who weighs what you do, put them on your back and do dishes, clean the house and go for a walk with twice your current weight holding you down and then wonder why it is so hard for big people to work out or why some of us have had to go to drastic measures like having most of our stomachs cut out and part of our insides moved around.
Next time you think to mock a fat person just go up to the biggest person you like and smack them across the face because that is what it feels like when one of my friends post ‘jokes’ and insults about fat people.

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Filed under Accountability, depression and mental health, My Thoughts on WLS and Life, Random Thoughts

Feeling under attack by my own body

Damn splenda, when I first ODed on it about 4 months ago I thought I was dying. I had just given up sugar and was reducing my shockingly huge caffeine intake by 70% and so I was drinking massive glasses of tea and realized that I been using 25 packs a day and getting horribly  sick. I reduced to no more than 7 a day and was doing fine but my body is never happy with what I want and sometimes I slip up and drink a few more.  The thing is now 10 is enough to trigger the reactions and splenda is actually harder to quit than sugar has been and I go through hell trying to give either of them up for long.

Symptoms include:
Dehydration and a miserable thirst despite drinking alot of water
all over body ache similar to the flu
Muscle weakness and horrendous joint pain,
A near migraine level headache
Itchy skin, especially my hands,
PMS type irritability,
None of which by the way is really touched by pan relievers.

I know it is evil stuff. My pain tells me that, I also know I have two different issues with my body that cause it to react badly to sugars. I am insulin reactive which makes my body treat even small amounts of simple carbohydrates (sugars) as if they were an even more highly addictive substance than they actually are.  I also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which causes sugars to react badly with my moods causing foggy thoughts and depression as well as increasing my over all inflammation.
I know all of that but giving it up cold turkey is hell and the only way I ever have managed for even a month, giving up even 90% means the 10% triggers my insulin resistance and my cravings, and now even smaller amounts of splenda is triggering a toxic reaction.
I sort of am feeling sort under attack by … I don’t know…fate or something.
All my life sweets were my addiction, they were my crutch and security blanket and I am more than aware that they were killing me.  I ate myself up to 460+ pounds, I crippled myself and I now know that at least a good deal of my depression, chronic pain and other random illnesses I now realize were related to CFS were exacerbated by my ridiculous sugar intake.  I know I have to give it up for so many reasons but it just makes me so sad that I am someone whose body is so messed up that they can’t have even a little something sweet.
I work at giving up sugar and one of the few treats I was still able to enjoy was sweet hot tea or coffee and now it feels as if I can’t have any.
If I drink too much caffeine I either can’t sleep worth a damn or if I really drink too much I crash out for days. I can no longer drink sugars at all due to the weight loss surgery causing liquid sugar to react badly with my stomach, apspertame makes me sick as a dog eating grass and now anything more than 4 packets of splenda puts me in pain. Oh yeah and Stevia tastes like hay.
I know that I just need to stop, stop eating sugar for my health as it causes ahost of physical and mental issues with my weirdo body and now I just need to give up sweeteners all together.
And I really need to give up this feeling of being punished and stop being so lax in taking care of myself and I need to put my overall health and comfort ahead of momentary impulses for sweets and the temporary comfort it brings.

NOTE: All I can think about as I write this is whether I can justify a danish or not in the morning.  Crap I want to cry.

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Filed under Addiction, Arthritis and health issues, chronic fatigue syndrome, depression and mental health, Food, health, Insomnia, pain, spoonie, the past

Resolution #1 treat myself right and learn from my mistakes

Ive been pushing myself, day after day, more and more lately.
Not because I want to prove something but because there is so much that needs doing. Things that need cooked, things that need cleaning, or need organized or created and I just don’t seem patient enough to take time, to wait for help, and I keep thinking I will be fine, that I can just do this one last thing and then one more until my body rebels.
I give myself just enough time for the pain to fade a bit (but not enough time to heal the damage I am doing to my joints, my back and my still weak muscles or messed up nerves) then I go back to pushing myself too far.
I should be the last person to be accused of a Puritan work ethic but I guess you could say that is the problem if by that you mean that I suffer a lot of guilt about weakness, real or perceived, or that somewhere deep inside I have a no pain no gain mentality, despite knowing better, and that no matter how often I see it to be otherwise I have a general conviction that if I can just push past the pain this will be the time I get blessed, get strong, get better.
The thing is while I can do more than ever before I still take a lot longer time than most people to cover and the more I push without letting myself heal the longer and worse the pain is during my recovery.
I have so much that I  want to do but I have to accept that when everything aches and I push everything begins to hurt.  I also need to accept that hurting is a sign not of personal weakness of character but instead a sign that I am harming myself and that in my case it breeds worse pain as it keeps me awake, keeps my muscles and nerves stressed and makes it harder to heal at all.
The hardest thing for me is not that I dont give assistance to others, it’s not that I fail to give understanding or sympathy or that I judge others too harshly but that I don’t give myself those things. I constantly judge myself a failure which is why I am so hard on myself and by being so rough with myself I set myself up to fail, thus making a vicious cycle of self abusive behavior and thought processes.
it is time that I learn to give myself time to heal, give myself the right to slip without it being a grand failing for which I berate myself then throw my hands up and give up trying.  Somewhere along the line I developed something of an all or nothing mentality  , either I succeed right off or I declare myself a failure and since I have already failed why try to do better?
This is one of the things I am going to resolve to do in the future, give myself time to heal physically, mentally and to learn new habits of action and thought.
  I need to allow myself to fail in small ways without declaring myself an epic failure and giving up, if I slip and have a small treat it is no excuse to berate myself as I eat more and more because I already blew my food plan, if something takes a long time to do it is no reason to hate myself and give up trying. For each small failing I need to simply start again, start over fresh and make myself succeed no matter how difficult it is without harming myself.  If one method leads to pain, to slipping where my determination is concerned then I need to look to find a better way to do things.
And so I resolve to be good to myself, to take care of myself and to find success from failures without giving up or repeating the same mistakes over and over.

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Filed under Accountability, Arthritis and health issues, changing how I think, chronic fatigue syndrome, depression and mental health, goals, Motivation, obsessions, pain, spoonie, taking steps to improve things

10 Questions to ask myself about 2012 (cross post)

The best way to move forward into a better year is to look at the last one and reflect not just on what happened but on how it effected you and how you might deal differently next time.
1. What was the single most challenging thing that happened in your life that you over came or survived?
We moved out of the apt I had lived in for 8 years and moved into a house, first it was hard for me to give up the familiarity of a place though I had gotten to the point of hating it, secondly we have had to budget more money (still working on that) We managed to get most of the house put together and really wonderfully decorated. I have had a lot of anxiety about it and yet have managed to do much better.
I am also learning to keep up with the cleaning and maintenance for the house by following a Tumblr blog called Unfuck Your Habitat which is helping me realize that despite my health issues I can do what needs doing even if only 10 mins at a time.
2. We all live lives where we to some extent expect hardship but was there an unexpected joy in your life this past year?
Moving into our new house one house away from my grandma has both been stressful and amazing.

3. What was the single best thing that happened to you this past year?
Continuing to be loved by the most amazing person I know and being happy with him as well as realizing I can make him happy which motivates me to try harder to control my mood swings and stay on top of my depression and anger issues

4. what 5 words best describe the last year for you?

Creative, hopeful, loved/loving, impetuous, temperamental

5. What are 4 things you wish you had done that you did not do last year?
(1) I wish I had maintained better control over my eating habits, I managed it for a month then fell off the wagon and I want to get back to being in control because I spent most of 2012 not eating well.
(2) on the same note I wish I had exercised a lot more, I need to find a balance where I walk more, do more and yet not over do to the point of pain
(3) Yet again I wish I had gotten my art room/studio organized, first at the other place so that when we moved we could have it done here (which it isn’t)
(4) I wish I had learned to budget better and get my spending under control since it gives Alex undo stress to deal with

6. What were the biggest relationship changes in your life this last year both positive and negative?
I have had to realize I need to put my effort where it is needed and not waste my time on people and things that are a worthless drain to my physical and mental energy and that includes people who might be considered friends but are not worth the pain or anxiety. I have had to remove a few people from my life and redefine my relationship with others.

7. In what ways did you change (physically, spiritually, emotionally or mentally) in the last year?
I have had to deal with a lot of turbulence emotionally/biochemically with random bursts of anger and sadness and I have learned to recognize that it is starting and try to head it off or avoid people when it happens, I have not always succeeded but I am getting to the point where I will tell myself and others that NO I cant do something. I have also faced the fact this may be the way I am the rest of my life but I have to function with it.
Physically I lost a little more weight but I have not been building up my muscles and now have to play catch up
8. What one single thing would you have done differently over the past year?
I would have worked harder to gain self control, this effects every aspect of my life, spending, relationships and health

9. In what way did you waste the most time and what do you think you might of done without so much distraction?
The Internet…more art

10. What are a few things you would like to change about yourself in the upcoming year?
I need to work on my self control, on my spending, my eating (most of all) my self care, my emotions and my tendency to slack off.

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Filed under Accountability, blog prompts, changing how I think, depression and mental health, goals, Motivation, positive thought, taking steps to improve things

Trying to get back on the wagon

I have spent the last 22 days being dragged behind the sugar wagon I fell off of right before my birthday.  Before that I had spent over a month barely eating carbs other than dairy and vegetables.
At first I lost 8 pounds (I was in the 220s for quite a while) and was honestly hoping that I would break 210 and stay there for a bit. But the weight decided to yo-yo between 217 and a one time 209 no matter what I did or did not eat.
Now that I have lost control of my Carb intake I am still yo-yoing but the number is now between 214 and 219, not much of a difference so far but it wouldn’t take much to end up back over 220 on New Year’s Day.
But beyond the pounds is the fact that I feel awful, physically and mentally.  I feel as if I have failed myself and everyone who has faith in me, I hurt and I am embarrassed by the effects eating sugar has on my body.  There are times I cry even when I am alone and I am the only one who suffers the effects.
The sick part?
Every time I get upset I want more sugar.  I will be in pain, my stomach as tight as a drum and my joints aching and still if it is in the house I will eat it.
And that is the rub, it simply can Not be in the house, I am not strong enough to resist it long enough to let the physical side of my addiction (a form of insulin residence) play itself out.
As long as I can make it past the first 10 days with no sugar I am fine, I feel more in control, I can see it in stores, I can smell it and even be around it and I can resist.  IF I can take the first step, if I can break the habit.
Maybe this time I will make it longer and maybe this time if I fall off the wagon in a few months I will get back on and not be dragged behind it for days and weeks.

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Filed under Accountability, Addiction, changing how I think, depression and mental health, goals, Motivation, obsessions, pain, taking steps to improve things

Gift of positive thought to myself and others

Lately some people I love have really been suffering and I realize I can’t give advice about changing things, changing the way we think, the way we deal and everything if I can’t walk the walk.
I am better than I have been but still I have a lot of negative self thoughts, and like a lot of us I vent them on line.  It is time to stop that, time to be more positive so for Christmas I am giving me (and my on line friends) a break.
I will not post negative stuff about myself or about life, if something bad happens (like blowing a tire) I will mention it but I will also post something positive about the situation.
I am going to retrain my brain to be more positive, rebuild neuro pathways that are currently dedicated to anxiety, self doubt and angst and through concerted effort stop the behaviors that reinforce those thoughts (which are largely related to long trained chemical responses that can be altered)
I deserve to be happy and my friends deserve to see that side of me.

Some of the changes I am making are:
stay on top of my meds
Keep my house tidy regardless of if we have company or not
Get the art room done by New Years and keep it that way
Start doing more art and crafts
Cook healthier for us
Be more positive, every time a situation arises to upset me I Ned to think of something positive about it
Be more honest about not just what upsets me but what makes me happy
Remove negative influences from my life
Do positive things to make myself and others happy
Fight my addiction without belittling myself all the time
Read more
Budget better
Organize things in the house to make them less frustrating
take better care of my appearance, I deserve it

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Filed under Accountability, Addiction, challenge, changing how I think, depression and mental health, medication and vitamins, money, Motivation, positive thought, taking steps to improve things, Treat Yourself

New paths

Sometimes you get to a point where you realize you have taken so many wrong turns and gotten to a place in life that doesn’t service you well, where you feel as if you cause more harm than good and as if where you to keep moving forward, slogging through the muck and mire your own actions helped dig up you would drown.
You can not go backwards, you can’t take back failures, but you can learn from them, learn how to avoid this mess again.
You can’t go backwards but you can take a step to the side and take a look at how you got into this mess and replot your course, you can’t change the mistakes you made but you can figure out ways to not repeat them.
It is time to take a good look at things in life, step aside and look from different angles then wash away the pain and grime and move on to a new, more carefully plotted course.

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Filed under changing how I think, depression and mental health, Random Thoughts, taking steps to improve things


Nov writers month blog daily challenge day 2


Here were my excuses for eating the kinds of Carb laden food I have avoided for 11 days:
*I am so sad and stressed about POE’S rash
*I feel so much guilt over having hurt him trying to make it better.
*I was hungry no matter what I ate or drank
*I made the guys an epic batch of Chex Mix and wanted to taste it so bad
*Pain from shots and doing too much as always after them
*Anxiety because the house is getting messy and I am too sore and stiff right now to get on it and Alex is busy
*Can’t find anything in my garage or art room and know it will be weeks of work before it is organized
*My guts act up regardless of if I eat “good”carbs or “bad” carbs
*I was oddly more lonely than usual
* I couldn’t sleep

My answer to that plethora of excuses?


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Filed under Accountability, Addiction, challenge, changing how I think, depression and mental health, Motivation, obsessions, pain, positive thought, Random Thoughts, taking steps to improve things

click click click

I had Alex put his hand on my knee recently when I was having a bad day and it was grinding, I think he was a little bit shocked by just how much you can actually feel it click and grind just putting your hand on my knee.
I wanted him to get an idea just how bad it gets so that if I get grumpy, if I get depressed or snap a bit he can maybe try to remember what it felt like from the outside and try to understand how much worse it is living with it all the time.
Pain wears you down, it eats away at your joy for life and tries to kill your creativity, the fact that I have not given up and hidden away, have not stopped enjoying life or trying to create is just stubbornness and the sheer luckiness of being born with a hell of a lot of joi de vie.
If I had a different nature, different personality (which is a mix of my genetics and upbringing) and different support network then I might give up, stop trying to do better and give up trying to live a happy, creative, love filled life.
I really believe that a person’s ability to enjoy life has a lot to do with both their genetic make up and the way they are taught to experience the world and how they learn to face adversity. I use to confuse people by saying “I am depressed but in a pretty good mood.” A dr once confirmed that you can be physically depressed but depending on the situation you might not be unhappy really. Depression is in my case at least a series of physical symptoms, sometimes those symptoms do include overwhelming sadness while other times no as much.
Pain can trigger waves of sadness without other depression symptoms but I remind myself that the feeling is transitory and just like my bouts of depression they are awful but transitory. I will get through it,no point in dwelling on it, or basking in the pain and sorrow or eating up the drama with a spoon.
things to remind myself of.

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Filed under Arthritis and health issues, changing how I think, depression and mental health, health, pain, spoonie

This is not the kind of brainstorm I like

I am not fishing for compliments at all…I know what I have been feeling off and on the last few days is NOT TRUE I know it is my mind and biochemistry fucking with me for being so bad about taking ALL of my meds (I have been averaging half of them a day for a week)

I know that I am NOT stupid, unbelievably lazy, ugly, ancient, a monstrous burden on everyone I love, disgusting, the most annoying person in the world or unlovable….I KNOW it…but that doesn’t mean that off and on all day I have not FELT like that way.

This last few days I feel as if have no talent, no motivation, no drive to create, I just feel anticipation when I look at art supplies, and if all the other feelings didn’t scream DEPRESSION that one does.

I dont feel that way all the time and I am not someone who needs to be told I am wonderful all the time because usually the truth, the fact that I am a good person who is loved is enough for me, even when I worry about my intelligence due to my illness I know I am not stupid by any means just easily confused.

Also I really hate the feeling that I had to beg for compliments so that is not the point of this, I guess I just need to vent a little to release some of the feelings of being horrible my bi-polar brain is flooding me with.

I KNOW I am not all those bad things but it doesn’t change the fact that those feelings have been hitting me like waves in a storm all day and it is worse than PMS because I know it is my fault for not being more careful in taking my meds.

I am hoping they change my dose soon, waiting for insurance approval sucks but in the meantime I need to get serious and stop fucking around with taking my meds and take care of myself the way I deserve.


Filed under Accountability, Arthritis and health issues, depression and mental health, fears, medication and vitamins, taking steps to improve things