Ive been pushing myself, day after day, more and more lately.
Not because I want to prove something but because there is so much that needs doing. Things that need cooked, things that need cleaning, or need organized or created and I just don’t seem patient enough to take time, to wait for help, and I keep thinking I will be fine, that I can just do this one last thing and then one more until my body rebels.
I give myself just enough time for the pain to fade a bit (but not enough time to heal the damage I am doing to my joints, my back and my still weak muscles or messed up nerves) then I go back to pushing myself too far.
I should be the last person to be accused of a Puritan work ethic but I guess you could say that is the problem if by that you mean that I suffer a lot of guilt about weakness, real or perceived, or that somewhere deep inside I have a no pain no gain mentality, despite knowing better, and that no matter how often I see it to be otherwise I have a general conviction that if I can just push past the pain this will be the time I get blessed, get strong, get better.
The thing is while I can do more than ever before I still take a lot longer time than most people to cover and the more I push without letting myself heal the longer and worse the pain is during my recovery.
I have so much that I want to do but I have to accept that when everything aches and I push everything begins to hurt. I also need to accept that hurting is a sign not of personal weakness of character but instead a sign that I am harming myself and that in my case it breeds worse pain as it keeps me awake, keeps my muscles and nerves stressed and makes it harder to heal at all.
The hardest thing for me is not that I dont give assistance to others, it’s not that I fail to give understanding or sympathy or that I judge others too harshly but that I don’t give myself those things. I constantly judge myself a failure which is why I am so hard on myself and by being so rough with myself I set myself up to fail, thus making a vicious cycle of self abusive behavior and thought processes.
it is time that I learn to give myself time to heal, give myself the right to slip without it being a grand failing for which I berate myself then throw my hands up and give up trying. Somewhere along the line I developed something of an all or nothing mentality , either I succeed right off or I declare myself a failure and since I have already failed why try to do better?
This is one of the things I am going to resolve to do in the future, give myself time to heal physically, mentally and to learn new habits of action and thought.
I need to allow myself to fail in small ways without declaring myself an epic failure and giving up, if I slip and have a small treat it is no excuse to berate myself as I eat more and more because I already blew my food plan, if something takes a long time to do it is no reason to hate myself and give up trying. For each small failing I need to simply start again, start over fresh and make myself succeed no matter how difficult it is without harming myself. If one method leads to pain, to slipping where my determination is concerned then I need to look to find a better way to do things.
And so I resolve to be good to myself, to take care of myself and to find success from failures without giving up or repeating the same mistakes over and over.
Category Archives: obsessions
Ive been pushing myself, day after day, more and more lately.
I have spent the last 22 days being dragged behind the sugar wagon I fell off of right before my birthday. Before that I had spent over a month barely eating carbs other than dairy and vegetables.
At first I lost 8 pounds (I was in the 220s for quite a while) and was honestly hoping that I would break 210 and stay there for a bit. But the weight decided to yo-yo between 217 and a one time 209 no matter what I did or did not eat.
Now that I have lost control of my Carb intake I am still yo-yoing but the number is now between 214 and 219, not much of a difference so far but it wouldn’t take much to end up back over 220 on New Year’s Day.
But beyond the pounds is the fact that I feel awful, physically and mentally. I feel as if I have failed myself and everyone who has faith in me, I hurt and I am embarrassed by the effects eating sugar has on my body. There are times I cry even when I am alone and I am the only one who suffers the effects.
The sick part?
Every time I get upset I want more sugar. I will be in pain, my stomach as tight as a drum and my joints aching and still if it is in the house I will eat it.
And that is the rub, it simply can Not be in the house, I am not strong enough to resist it long enough to let the physical side of my addiction (a form of insulin residence) play itself out.
As long as I can make it past the first 10 days with no sugar I am fine, I feel more in control, I can see it in stores, I can smell it and even be around it and I can resist. IF I can take the first step, if I can break the habit.
Maybe this time I will make it longer and maybe this time if I fall off the wagon in a few months I will get back on and not be dragged behind it for days and weeks.
Nov writing month blog challenge day 3
The thing is in the last 11 days of not eating any sugar my only cravings have been purely mental ones after the second day, usually when I try to cut back or just have even 1 piece of dark dark chocolate a day I crave the sugar physically far worse than mentally but I realized that due to a long term problem with chronic fatigue syndrome dating back to my teens when my weight went insane I have major physical reactions to sugar and caffeine and they can increase my pain and inflammation.
Without any processed sugar and less than 25% of the caffeine I was drinking just 2 weeks ago I now have less pain, anxiety and anger issues and I am not as exhausted all the time but I have to accept that I will always face triggers but I am the one who aims the gun so to speak. I choose if I eat, I Choose what I eat, I am not helpless to my cravings and if I keep resisting them physically at least I will be more able to resist the urge.
I did not give in last night despite the list of excuses and I realize I don’t have to ever give in if I don’t want to.
Maybe for one of the first time ever in my life I am not just exerting real control over what I eat and why but more to the point for the first time ever I FEEL IN CONTROL. I have quit sweets before but I always thought of it as a transient condition. I was always just waiting out whatever goal date I had set for myself, such as no sugar for a month, counting down the days til I could indulge my addiction.
This is the first time I have no deadline, no end date, I am not telling myself that we will have cake for my birthday in a month, or if I behave I can have Christmas as a free day and yet I feel safer and more in control of my eating than I ever have before. Accepting that there is no way for me to have free days without them becoming free months is also truly for the first time accepting I have a biological issue that effects how my body deals with sugar and that while my addiction is not my fault my recovery is my responsibility.
Nov writers month blog daily challenge day 2
Here were my excuses for eating the kinds of Carb laden food I have avoided for 11 days:
*I am so sad and stressed about POE’S rash
*I feel so much guilt over having hurt him trying to make it better.
*I was hungry no matter what I ate or drank
*I made the guys an epic batch of Chex Mix and wanted to taste it so bad
*Pain from shots and doing too much as always after them
*Anxiety because the house is getting messy and I am too sore and stiff right now to get on it and Alex is busy
*Can’t find anything in my garage or art room and know it will be weeks of work before it is organized
*My guts act up regardless of if I eat “good”carbs or “bad” carbs
*I was oddly more lonely than usual
* I couldn’t sleep
My answer to that plethora of excuses?
EXCUSES ARE BORING
STOP MAKING UP REASONS TO DO WHAT WILL HURT YOU
GO THE FUCK TO BED
I am fucked up in the head, an addict physically and mentally. My addiction is sugar, simple carbohydrates, before you scoff understand that I am insulin resistant, this means my body treats sugars as if they were an addictive substance more than most people’s bodies do.
Addiction is knowing something is going to make you sick and you still do it, it is still wanting it, thinking about it, craving it to the point of distraction even as it is actively making you ill, making you miserable.
I have to get serious, I am desperate to get some control over myself and I think I need to do it now. I know HOW to do it I just am not sure if I CAN give it up the way I need to, but I do know this addiction is out of hand and it is making my life miserable and could ruin everything I have had weight loss surgery for.
My sugar cravings are through the roof…today in the store I wanted a tiny bit of spice gum drops from the bulk section and while I resisted them it nearly brought me to tears. I ended up eating 2.5 oz of a 70% dark chocolate bar and have spent the entire evening wanting to eat the last oz of it. It feels as if I am quite literally fighting a battle with my body every minute of the day and night.
What little bit of candy is left is getting taken out of the house tomorrow (cinnamon and butterscotch disks) and I am not buying more chocolate and when Alex wants some I am, for the next month or so, going to ask that he has it when I’m asleep or he is at work.
I am also cutting way back on milk while increasing my protein intake. I have gotten in the habit again of drinking a good 35+ oz of milk a day and I plan to reduce that to 18 oz a day. Even though milk is good for me it is full of carbs and I can add more calcium to my diet. Milk and cheese are different in the rate you absorb the carbs and in my case in how my guts react. I need to make as many changes as I can right now.
So I have been rereading up on natural things to help stabilized blood sugar and stop sugar cravings. I am going back to taking Omega 3-6-9 fatty acid pills and some other things like picolate and zinc which are suppose to help with blood sugar levels and insulin uptake (I am insulin resistant) all of which should slow down the worse of the physical part of these cravings.
Another thing I read was how vinegar can help fight sugar craving by helping to stabilized the Ph balance and acidity in your body which makes it easier for your body to process sugars and create the right amounts of insulin especially after meals.
Unlike my grandma I have never been good at the whole drinking vinegar thing so I am making refrigerator pickles and other marinaded foods tonight.
Refridgerator pickles are super easy…the most basic ones are sliced cucumbers in vinegar with a little spice and can get quite involved and diverse after that. I had made a large batch this summer using armeanian named cucumbers, shredded carrots and sliced onions in a mix of basalmic vinegar and white vinegar and a few tbs of sugar.
The batch I made today are made from 3 peeled regular cucumbers and 2 oz of low sugar sweet red pepper sauce, 6 tsp sugar and some splenda. It will take a week for them to be ready and then they should be great.
I also marinaded some thinly sliced Roma tomatoes and Maui sweet onion. I am also concidering doing up a few cans of whole tender green beans.
I do know I don’t feel so frantic for sweets after eating about 3-4 oz of this summers pickles so who knows it might help.
I am not doing good, why the fuck am I making goodies???
I am a bonafide sugar addict, something in my brain and body chemistry is seriously messed up and I can’t seem to deal with simple sugars correctly, with me it is an all or nothing proposition and yet I am making holiday goodies… FUCK…
I know people who can make them and have a single bite and be fine, I know other Weight Loss Surgery people who can go through the holidays and make no goodies what so ever and avoid those of other people and here I am sick to my guts from nibbling carbs and I have been off and on for days and yet here I am thinking of how I will make the next batch, and wishing my husband was here to lock them in the garage. Yeah that’s right, I dont have a key to my own garage and I make him lock goodies up in it and when we buy chocolate it goes in his pack and I ask for a piece because the fact is if I have the bar sitting there I will eat it all even if it is making me ill.
I hate my weakness and I need to conquer it ASAP but I just keep thinking OH I will wait til after christmas… this is sick thinking, this is addict thinking and the sad thing???
I will end up waiting and I will end up sick and hating myself and then I will go through hell in January trying to get off the sweets and then Valentine’s day will come and we will start all over again. I KNOW I need to stop right now, I know I should get in my car and drive all this stuff over to my grandma’s and leave it there but I just wont. What I will do is finish all the candy making tonight and first thing tomorrow when Alex walks through the door it all goes back in the garage and after Christmas day the house gets stripped of sweets.
I also know I need counseling again. I been out of counseling for a little bit cause I really need to find a addiction councilor who understands eating disorders or eating disorder councilor who doesn’t just deal with anorexia or bulimia. OA is not an option I dont do good in groups though as soon as January comes around I will be seeing about the local WLS support groups and seeing if anyone there or in my surgeons office can suggest someone who will take my insurance.
Make me stop feeling like a failure.
I never use to care much about my weight as is obvious by the fact I weighed 453 pounds just over 2 years ago and I KNOW in my head that losing 200+ pounds is AMAZING and yet I just seem to keep losing 10 pounds and then I gain back 5 and then stall. Well this time I lost 15 FAST and I thought I was doing everything right, that I had figured out that I was getting too FEW calories and no where near enough protein but I worked a convention last weekend and blew my diet to hell and now I am fighting to drop the 5 pounds I gained at the convention AND fight the carb monster on my back.
I had good intentions when I started out for con, I was so proud to fit into a size 2x shirt so I took healthy high protein stuff to the con, I loaded our cooler with steak and pork, chicken salad and BBQ pork and other good stuff. But then I managed to screw up and did two things wrong, #1 I did not make enough variety and I got sick of what I had pretty quick and second we did not freeze the weekend freezer packs well enough and the fridge was not big enough for all my food and some of it, namely a lot of steak and pork tenderloin strips went bad in the cooler. I ended up eating a terrifying amount of beef jerky and mixed nuts and more than my share of carbs. So even though i ran all over the convention and did a ton better than I thought I could I gained weight and it is holding on a week later, I am up to 256.8 from 252.2, I know it doesn’t seem like much but i was hoping so much to stay under 250 after reaching 249.4 a few days before the convention started.
My biggest problem isn’t 4 or even 6 pounds gained it is that I am fighting feeling like a failure. I am aware part of these feelings of depression have to do with the fact that for 5 days I really blew taking my meds, it’s not so much the vitamins but the phych meds that have effected me, I got 1 out of 4 doses everyday (occasionally 2) for 4 days and I am fighting to get back on track with them.
Beyond the chemical issues is the fact that I KNOW I screwed up left and right. I screwed up by waiting so long on that last stall to do what I needed to do, shake up my diet, try new things. I also KNOW I am not very compliant to a lot of things, I dont exercise enough and i justify it by the fact that it HURTS a lot when I over do and it doesn’t take much to over do BUT I also was doing leg lifts and had no problems and I NEED to go back to that, I NEED to get serious FAST.
Every mistake I make weighs on me but I dont seem able to stop it, I desperately want to be under 200 by this time next year and it just seems to be getting harder and harder, not only to lose but to believe I CAN lose.
I am not 100% sure why I will start obsessing over something and it will drive me crazy for weeks or months. Well I do know why I am obsessed with not losing weight lately (&%$#& EIGHTEEN %$@#! MONTHS… stupid “deadline”) but that is a subject for another post soon.
Right now my obsession is smell and we are not talking the ’80s perfume with the ads with the starving models kind.
If you have read anything on my blog, much less the title, chances are you realize I had the Duodenal Switch (DS) version of weight loss surgery and as many people will tell you one of the outcomes is that if you eat carbs you can end up with really stinky farts and upset guts as well as a horrible smelling bathroom. All my life I have been very sensitive to smell, both my own and other people and I have had a major fear that I would smell bad my entire adult life, I had heard jokes of the stinky fat person and ran into a few (theirs was a hygiene issue I have never had but my anxiety would not accept that) and I began to worry I would be one of those people. So I have worked hard all my life to smell good.
The thing with the DS is it is saving my life and quality of life and the smell is something that comes and goes in strength almost at random, yes milk will start my guts grumbling, BUT for weeks on end dairy, no matter how much I eat/drink will have little effect on my guts and then BOOM they start to go off like fireworks every time I take a drink. And of course yes eating more carbs will set it off, that one is pretty much a given but the amount it takes to get my guts upset and the type it takes to start the gas or make the smell horrible varies from time to time. There are times it takes eating a stupid amount of simple carbs to set me off and other times a small amount of any carbs is all it takes.
I usually know when it is going to happen and can head home from a place if need be. My husband swears he can not smell me cause of his sinus issues but I can smell me and that is bad enough… to be honest there are times when I have misbehaved with carbs and/or had too much dairy that the smell is bad enough to give me a headache.
I think the reason I am obsessing so much right now is I am volunteering to help do a convention and I will mostly be in a room with the staff coming and going all day and on top of that we are sharing a hotel room with two girls and so I wont even have the room at night to relax my fear.
I feel that I have to be super careful about what I eat and drink, not just at the convention itself but for the days leading up to it and since I am going to have to bring my own food for the convention I will have some chance of that working but it will be hard to stay on top of everything. Thing is I am also cooking food for the convention volunteers, I will be making protein cereal bars and protein cupcakes (dont let the names fool you they are full of sugar with added protein powder) and a large rice dish for the day we set up. The snacks I make in the week before the convention (Aug 4-7th) and then an afternoon making sandwiches (which are safe from me I dont like bread as much as sweets) and finally on Thursday the 4th I make a huge batch of Chicken Alfredo Rice.
I made it through the convention last year by being only 3 months out of surgery and barely being able to eat anything much less carbs, taking Gas-X (which no longer is very effective) and Devrom (which I can’t afford this year and is not very effective) and not working in a closed room.
I think I need to wean myself off carbs as much as I can, I will bring Lactose free milk even though it is pricey and use it for my protein drinks and servings of meat strips and sauces that are low carb, I will make damn sure I dont go over 40 grams of carbs if at all possible from Aug 2nd to the 8th (we are staying over night on the 7th) and who knows I might just lose some weight in the process.
Here is the thing, I say I have all these plans and I honestly will TRY my damnedest to behave but there seems to be something wrong with my head, I can’t seem to control myself as much as I should in times of stress and I do amazingly stupid crap like eat sugar coated cereal bars in a crowded room I am stuck in for 15-17 hours. Maybe this will be a good test for me, maybe I can do it if I am determined enough and scared enough of embarrassment.