Excuses and Mistakes

I had a very stressful last 24 hours, missed some of my meds, got shorted $16 and lost $20 worth of stuff I needed, then had a lot of pain issues, and had some business SNAFUs come up then banking issues and I used it all as an excuse to buy a huge cookie knowing it would mess me up, I ate a few bites and threw the damn thing out the car window then went and worked out despite my knee hating me.
The thing is I didn’t buy it Because I had a bad day, I used having a bad day as an excuse to misbehave and then I remembered EXCUSES ARE BORING AND FOR THE WEAK.
I did not have major surgery and lose this weight to keep making excuses and I don’t have to be weak anymore.
I know that I will mess up again but only I can decide how badly, how often and how I let it effect my determination to succeed. 
So it is time to forgive and move on but not forget and repeat.

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Filed under Addiction, changing how I think, pain

Fear of screwing it up

I will be honest, I am scared of screwing up this knee replacement thing.
I am not afraid it will hurt, it WILL hurt like hell but that pain should end soon enough compared to a lifetime of pain.
I am not afraid that the joint will fail or I will die, I am healthy, the odds of either are rare and I can only hope for the best.
No I am afraid that *I* will fuck this up by not being dedicated enough, not being strong enough to push through the pain and do what needs doing. I am afraid I wont be able to make myself do my pre surgery exercises in a sensible way and not set myself back, I am afraid I will slack on my physical therapy when the time comes.
I know I have an illness that makes everything seem just that much harder but I can’t help it, deep in my heart of hearts I am convinced, no matter how hard I try to think otherwise, that I am just lazy and a weakling.  Maybe it all really is my fault, maybe everything from insulin resistance to chronic fatigue are totally in my head and in the end I am just lazy.
Or worse, maybe they arent in my head, maybe I just can’t win.
OK so I have vented those fears so it is time to put them to rest, even if I am just lazy I can change, I can keep trying.  Even if it is an illness that makes everything I do harder I simply have to work smarter and more diligently and do what I already should be doing for my health with my eating, very high protein, moderate healthy fats, and very low carbs with very little gluten. 
And when it hurts, when I want to quit and give up I have to remember that this battle is for my quality of life as well as the quantity because I need to keep moving to stay healthy.

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Filed under Arthritis and health issues, changing how I think, chronic fatigue syndrome, confession, depression and mental health, fears, knee replacement, Motivation, spoonie

No more excuses

I know I need to make changes and finally I am finding reasons to get my knees done, reasons to be healthy, reasons to try, now I am seeking the Ways to make it happen.

It is time for me to step back and take a look at my life, ask myself “what do you want most to actually achieve? What things would you like to do that you have either not done or given up on?”
One of the first steps is to list my goals:
simple goals
difficult goals
complicated goals
realistic but hard goals.
Now is the time when I must take a much harder look, dig deep and ask myself “what excuse do I use to not even try to make these goals come true? What excuses am I giving others and worse, myself, to not make it happen or to not even find a way to do the best that I can and at least keep attempting to make it happen.”
It is time to be brutal, be honest and once I have a list of excuses I need to make another list of why each of those excuse is total bunk and bullshit, then make a list of ways I can try to achieve each thing, ways I can change things in my life to accomplish my goals.
It is time to stop finding excuses and start finding ways.

Excuses that all lead back to me needing to get my knees replaced:

I can’t exercise enough because my knees hurt so much (get them fixed)
I don’t sleep well partly due to pain and it makes me cranky (time to get them done)
I eat goodies I know will make me sick because of pain, I have little control when it hurts so badly (then it is time to face the fact this pain will last forever without a replacement)
I can’t lose weight if I can’t walk without so much pain (*cough* sugar *cough cough* sweets *cough* KNEES, REPLACE, NOW)

Excuses I have used to avoid getting my knees replaced (and the answers to why it is wrong)

Pain, it will hurt (I hurt every day of my life, I am currently 44yrs old with no massive illnesses, that is not right when I could fix it.  The pain and bad knees make me walk badly, my hips, back and feet pay the cost.  Major pain for 6 months to a year or ever increasing pain for life?)
They won’t last long (actually if I am good and keep my weight down I could be looking at 15 to 20 years, I would be 60-65 before they needed redoing and by then they might even have better ways to do it)
I will need so much help for a while I will be a burden (hate to break this to you chica but you are going to end up a bigger burden in 10 years if you can’t walk, now you will heal faster than you will at 55 and now mom and Alex can actually help you, then someday maybe you can help them.)
SCARS-12 inch+ scars (fuck you, I am aging faster due to pain, I see it on my face every day and it is worse on bad days, I am covered in stretch marks, I lost half my body weight, my husband doesn’t care about all that why should scars matter?)
I need to be under 200 pounds for a while (think back, that was my plan, the surgeon was willing to do them at 250 pounds, I wanted to lose to a magic number and I don’t think it will happen without the surgery, don’t lie to yourself)

So no more excuses, in a week I will know if we can do them,I want them done in April, I have 2 major events in March, I want chances of snow and ice to be slim and if the cortisone helps I would like to build up some more muscle.  If I have to have them done sooner, oh well it will have to be.
No more excuses.

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Filed under Accountability, Arthritis and health issues, challenge, changing how I think, confession, fears, goals, health, Motivation, pain, taking steps to improve things

What if I told you…

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I have been afraid to go forward with getting my knees replaced for a lot of reasons, one of which is pain, but a few months in hell, pain wise, for taking a chance at making things better has got to be better than a lifetime in a painful purgatory being punished for what you were not brave enough to do at all.
My knees will not get better by themselves, even if I lost another 80 pounds they will hurt for life without being replaced, I also don’t think I can actually lose more weight without being able to move easier.
I am now thinking of pain like grains of sand filling buckets…a slow but increasingly painful trickle over the next 15 to 20 years will be far more suffering than a short deluge that may give me peace and comfort for the next 15-20 years.
I want to live a long time and part of that is me losing weight and I don’t think I can without being able to move more, what would the point of going through weight loss really be if I still end up immobile? I want to walk with my husband and not be a burden on him.
3 years ago on April 26th 2010 I had most of my stomach removed and my upper intestine rerouted and since then I have lost nearly 200 pounds (I had lost 52 pounds before surgery so I weighed 411 when I went in and I am between 212 and 217 now) 4 and a half years ago I asked myself basically the same question, do I want to be in the same condition and most likely worse in 10 years if I last that long? I realized I was more afraid of the consequences of standing still in the middle of the battle my life was than I was to fight to win. 
Now I realize that I am only half done with this battle, time to fight on the second front and win back my mobility and vanquish pain.  I can’t let doubt cause me to surrender without trying.

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Filed under Arthritis and health issues, changing how I think, fears, goals, Motivation, taking steps to improve things

Ooooffff sore tushy

Went out while Alex was asleep and broke up some of the ice in the driveway and in the gutter that was blocked up so it would drain. I did the gutter from my place where the drain is over 2 houses where my grandma lives to get the little gutter lakes that had built up to drain.  Man could I feel it in my abbs.
A couple of years ago it would never have occurred to me to even try to get out a 6 pound ice breaker “shovel” and tear through a lot of ice and snow for 40 minutes in the cold
I decided to do it after I fell on my my ass while walking across the frozen driveway to the trash can. It wasn’t a bad fall, almost like in slow motion where you just sort of slip into a sitting position except kind of BUMP OOUUUFFFFF instead of OWE!!!!!
Well let’s say for the first time in a couple of years I miss all that junk in my trunk I use to have, my booty pillow butt would have been awfully handy for a padded landing.  One thing they don’t tell you when you lose a huge amount of weight after being really really big for so long is how much more it hurts to bump against things when you can feel your bones…lol
Oh well if a lightly bruised slightly boney ass is the worse of my problems today I guess I am doing pretty damn good.

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Filed under pain, positive thought, random daily stuff

Insults

You know some people who call me friend have in the last few months posted some pretty insulting stuff toward fat people, memes and jokes. 
So I wonder “is that how they saw me when I was twice this big?”. What about now? I am still fat by all cultural and health standards, and in my mind, in my heart and soul I am still huge and part of me always will be.  Is that what they see now? Some not quite human enough joke?
If I ask or comment I get things like “well you aren’t like that now” or “well yeah but I never think of YOU that way” or “oh it is just a joke don’t take it personally”
The thing is it is personal, even when it is not me they mock it effects me and always has.
I never forgot rude comments, insults and mocking by people who claim to like and even adore me even when they were not specifically aimed at me they take a bite out of me.
I may not remember all of the images that they posted, I may not remember all the words so carelessly and unfeelingly tossed around mocking other humans for being like me, but I DO remember the hurt feelings, every bit of feeling as if I was slapped, every bit of betrayed feelings.
And you wonder why part of me will always feel FAT?
You wonder why part of me is always going to be hyper sensitive to mocking and insults? 
There is a part of me that will always be broken, not just my body but part of who I am will always be that fat chick who felt every insult like a slap across the face.

You know I had a trainer once tell me the people she admired the most were the big ones who had to struggle to work out but do even if it is just walking. Any healthy young person can walk a mile and many won’t but for someone who use to be where I was (450+) or even where I am (215) to try, to struggle to just move that extra bit can be really hard and a major effort.
If you are smaller or know someone who is who thinks it is OK to mock big people then find a friend who weighs what you do, put them on your back and do dishes, clean the house and go for a walk with twice your current weight holding you down and then wonder why it is so hard for big people to work out or why some of us have had to go to drastic measures like having most of our stomachs cut out and part of our insides moved around.
Next time you think to mock a fat person just go up to the biggest person you like and smack them across the face because that is what it feels like when one of my friends post ‘jokes’ and insults about fat people.

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Filed under Accountability, depression and mental health, My Thoughts on WLS and Life, Random Thoughts

Feeling under attack by my own body

Damn splenda, when I first ODed on it about 4 months ago I thought I was dying. I had just given up sugar and was reducing my shockingly huge caffeine intake by 70% and so I was drinking massive glasses of tea and realized that I been using 25 packs a day and getting horribly  sick. I reduced to no more than 7 a day and was doing fine but my body is never happy with what I want and sometimes I slip up and drink a few more.  The thing is now 10 is enough to trigger the reactions and splenda is actually harder to quit than sugar has been and I go through hell trying to give either of them up for long.

Symptoms include:
Dehydration and a miserable thirst despite drinking alot of water
all over body ache similar to the flu
Muscle weakness and horrendous joint pain,
A near migraine level headache
Itchy skin, especially my hands,
PMS type irritability,
None of which by the way is really touched by pan relievers.

I know it is evil stuff. My pain tells me that, I also know I have two different issues with my body that cause it to react badly to sugars. I am insulin reactive which makes my body treat even small amounts of simple carbohydrates (sugars) as if they were an even more highly addictive substance than they actually are.  I also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which causes sugars to react badly with my moods causing foggy thoughts and depression as well as increasing my over all inflammation.
I know all of that but giving it up cold turkey is hell and the only way I ever have managed for even a month, giving up even 90% means the 10% triggers my insulin resistance and my cravings, and now even smaller amounts of splenda is triggering a toxic reaction.
I sort of am feeling sort under attack by … I don’t know…fate or something.
All my life sweets were my addiction, they were my crutch and security blanket and I am more than aware that they were killing me.  I ate myself up to 460+ pounds, I crippled myself and I now know that at least a good deal of my depression, chronic pain and other random illnesses I now realize were related to CFS were exacerbated by my ridiculous sugar intake.  I know I have to give it up for so many reasons but it just makes me so sad that I am someone whose body is so messed up that they can’t have even a little something sweet.
I work at giving up sugar and one of the few treats I was still able to enjoy was sweet hot tea or coffee and now it feels as if I can’t have any.
If I drink too much caffeine I either can’t sleep worth a damn or if I really drink too much I crash out for days. I can no longer drink sugars at all due to the weight loss surgery causing liquid sugar to react badly with my stomach, apspertame makes me sick as a dog eating grass and now anything more than 4 packets of splenda puts me in pain. Oh yeah and Stevia tastes like hay.
I know that I just need to stop, stop eating sugar for my health as it causes ahost of physical and mental issues with my weirdo body and now I just need to give up sweeteners all together.
And I really need to give up this feeling of being punished and stop being so lax in taking care of myself and I need to put my overall health and comfort ahead of momentary impulses for sweets and the temporary comfort it brings.

NOTE: All I can think about as I write this is whether I can justify a danish or not in the morning.  Crap I want to cry.

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Filed under Addiction, Arthritis and health issues, chronic fatigue syndrome, depression and mental health, Food, health, Insomnia, pain, spoonie, the past

Resolution #1 treat myself right and learn from my mistakes

Ive been pushing myself, day after day, more and more lately.
Not because I want to prove something but because there is so much that needs doing. Things that need cooked, things that need cleaning, or need organized or created and I just don’t seem patient enough to take time, to wait for help, and I keep thinking I will be fine, that I can just do this one last thing and then one more until my body rebels.
I give myself just enough time for the pain to fade a bit (but not enough time to heal the damage I am doing to my joints, my back and my still weak muscles or messed up nerves) then I go back to pushing myself too far.
I should be the last person to be accused of a Puritan work ethic but I guess you could say that is the problem if by that you mean that I suffer a lot of guilt about weakness, real or perceived, or that somewhere deep inside I have a no pain no gain mentality, despite knowing better, and that no matter how often I see it to be otherwise I have a general conviction that if I can just push past the pain this will be the time I get blessed, get strong, get better.
The thing is while I can do more than ever before I still take a lot longer time than most people to cover and the more I push without letting myself heal the longer and worse the pain is during my recovery.
I have so much that I  want to do but I have to accept that when everything aches and I push everything begins to hurt.  I also need to accept that hurting is a sign not of personal weakness of character but instead a sign that I am harming myself and that in my case it breeds worse pain as it keeps me awake, keeps my muscles and nerves stressed and makes it harder to heal at all.
The hardest thing for me is not that I dont give assistance to others, it’s not that I fail to give understanding or sympathy or that I judge others too harshly but that I don’t give myself those things. I constantly judge myself a failure which is why I am so hard on myself and by being so rough with myself I set myself up to fail, thus making a vicious cycle of self abusive behavior and thought processes.
it is time that I learn to give myself time to heal, give myself the right to slip without it being a grand failing for which I berate myself then throw my hands up and give up trying.  Somewhere along the line I developed something of an all or nothing mentality  , either I succeed right off or I declare myself a failure and since I have already failed why try to do better?
This is one of the things I am going to resolve to do in the future, give myself time to heal physically, mentally and to learn new habits of action and thought.
  I need to allow myself to fail in small ways without declaring myself an epic failure and giving up, if I slip and have a small treat it is no excuse to berate myself as I eat more and more because I already blew my food plan, if something takes a long time to do it is no reason to hate myself and give up trying. For each small failing I need to simply start again, start over fresh and make myself succeed no matter how difficult it is without harming myself.  If one method leads to pain, to slipping where my determination is concerned then I need to look to find a better way to do things.
And so I resolve to be good to myself, to take care of myself and to find success from failures without giving up or repeating the same mistakes over and over.

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Filed under Accountability, Arthritis and health issues, changing how I think, chronic fatigue syndrome, depression and mental health, goals, Motivation, obsessions, pain, spoonie, taking steps to improve things

walking in the snow (crosspost)

Due to some missed connections and the fact that I left my coat and phone and scarf and gloves in the car which Alex had, I walked from Michael’s on Franklin to Maverick’s at the top of the hill on Franklin and Maple Grove while wearing a sweater, shirt, pants and slippers
In the dark
In the snow
In 22* windy weather
The day after I over did it to the point of hurting for over 24 hours
Let’s just say that I am stupid and leave it at that for why.
,,
An hour later I am still cold, my ears are trying to kill me from the inside, my feet are just starting to feel something and my knees are aching again

Let me point this out…I made it, it wasn’t that far but it was up hill, it was cold and i made it.
There was a time I could not have walked to the end of the parking lot after shopping but now I know if need be I can do that kind of walk.

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Filed under random daily stuff

10 Questions to ask myself about 2012 (cross post)

The best way to move forward into a better year is to look at the last one and reflect not just on what happened but on how it effected you and how you might deal differently next time.
1. What was the single most challenging thing that happened in your life that you over came or survived?
We moved out of the apt I had lived in for 8 years and moved into a house, first it was hard for me to give up the familiarity of a place though I had gotten to the point of hating it, secondly we have had to budget more money (still working on that) We managed to get most of the house put together and really wonderfully decorated. I have had a lot of anxiety about it and yet have managed to do much better.
I am also learning to keep up with the cleaning and maintenance for the house by following a Tumblr blog called Unfuck Your Habitat which is helping me realize that despite my health issues I can do what needs doing even if only 10 mins at a time.
2. We all live lives where we to some extent expect hardship but was there an unexpected joy in your life this past year?
Moving into our new house one house away from my grandma has both been stressful and amazing.

3. What was the single best thing that happened to you this past year?
Continuing to be loved by the most amazing person I know and being happy with him as well as realizing I can make him happy which motivates me to try harder to control my mood swings and stay on top of my depression and anger issues

4. what 5 words best describe the last year for you?

Creative, hopeful, loved/loving, impetuous, temperamental

5. What are 4 things you wish you had done that you did not do last year?
(1) I wish I had maintained better control over my eating habits, I managed it for a month then fell off the wagon and I want to get back to being in control because I spent most of 2012 not eating well.
(2) on the same note I wish I had exercised a lot more, I need to find a balance where I walk more, do more and yet not over do to the point of pain
(3) Yet again I wish I had gotten my art room/studio organized, first at the other place so that when we moved we could have it done here (which it isn’t)
(4) I wish I had learned to budget better and get my spending under control since it gives Alex undo stress to deal with

6. What were the biggest relationship changes in your life this last year both positive and negative?
I have had to realize I need to put my effort where it is needed and not waste my time on people and things that are a worthless drain to my physical and mental energy and that includes people who might be considered friends but are not worth the pain or anxiety. I have had to remove a few people from my life and redefine my relationship with others.

7. In what ways did you change (physically, spiritually, emotionally or mentally) in the last year?
I have had to deal with a lot of turbulence emotionally/biochemically with random bursts of anger and sadness and I have learned to recognize that it is starting and try to head it off or avoid people when it happens, I have not always succeeded but I am getting to the point where I will tell myself and others that NO I cant do something. I have also faced the fact this may be the way I am the rest of my life but I have to function with it.
Physically I lost a little more weight but I have not been building up my muscles and now have to play catch up
8. What one single thing would you have done differently over the past year?
I would have worked harder to gain self control, this effects every aspect of my life, spending, relationships and health

9. In what way did you waste the most time and what do you think you might of done without so much distraction?
The Internet…more art

10. What are a few things you would like to change about yourself in the upcoming year?
I need to work on my self control, on my spending, my eating (most of all) my self care, my emotions and my tendency to slack off.

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Filed under Accountability, blog prompts, changing how I think, depression and mental health, goals, Motivation, positive thought, taking steps to improve things

Trying to get back on the wagon

I have spent the last 22 days being dragged behind the sugar wagon I fell off of right before my birthday.  Before that I had spent over a month barely eating carbs other than dairy and vegetables.
At first I lost 8 pounds (I was in the 220s for quite a while) and was honestly hoping that I would break 210 and stay there for a bit. But the weight decided to yo-yo between 217 and a one time 209 no matter what I did or did not eat.
Now that I have lost control of my Carb intake I am still yo-yoing but the number is now between 214 and 219, not much of a difference so far but it wouldn’t take much to end up back over 220 on New Year’s Day.
But beyond the pounds is the fact that I feel awful, physically and mentally.  I feel as if I have failed myself and everyone who has faith in me, I hurt and I am embarrassed by the effects eating sugar has on my body.  There are times I cry even when I am alone and I am the only one who suffers the effects.
The sick part?
Every time I get upset I want more sugar.  I will be in pain, my stomach as tight as a drum and my joints aching and still if it is in the house I will eat it.
And that is the rub, it simply can Not be in the house, I am not strong enough to resist it long enough to let the physical side of my addiction (a form of insulin residence) play itself out.
As long as I can make it past the first 10 days with no sugar I am fine, I feel more in control, I can see it in stores, I can smell it and even be around it and I can resist.  IF I can take the first step, if I can break the habit.
Maybe this time I will make it longer and maybe this time if I fall off the wagon in a few months I will get back on and not be dragged behind it for days and weeks.

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Filed under Accountability, Addiction, changing how I think, depression and mental health, goals, Motivation, obsessions, pain, taking steps to improve things

Gift of positive thought to myself and others

Lately some people I love have really been suffering and I realize I can’t give advice about changing things, changing the way we think, the way we deal and everything if I can’t walk the walk.
I am better than I have been but still I have a lot of negative self thoughts, and like a lot of us I vent them on line.  It is time to stop that, time to be more positive so for Christmas I am giving me (and my on line friends) a break.
I will not post negative stuff about myself or about life, if something bad happens (like blowing a tire) I will mention it but I will also post something positive about the situation.
I am going to retrain my brain to be more positive, rebuild neuro pathways that are currently dedicated to anxiety, self doubt and angst and through concerted effort stop the behaviors that reinforce those thoughts (which are largely related to long trained chemical responses that can be altered)
I deserve to be happy and my friends deserve to see that side of me.

Some of the changes I am making are:
stay on top of my meds
Keep my house tidy regardless of if we have company or not
Get the art room done by New Years and keep it that way
Start doing more art and crafts
Cook healthier for us
Be more positive, every time a situation arises to upset me I Ned to think of something positive about it
Be more honest about not just what upsets me but what makes me happy
Remove negative influences from my life
Do positive things to make myself and others happy
Fight my addiction without belittling myself all the time
Read more
Budget better
Organize things in the house to make them less frustrating
take better care of my appearance, I deserve it

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Filed under Accountability, Addiction, challenge, changing how I think, depression and mental health, medication and vitamins, money, Motivation, positive thought, taking steps to improve things, Treat Yourself