Tag Archives: doubt

Obsession … and not the perfume either

I am not 100% sure why I will start obsessing over something and it will drive me crazy for weeks or months.  Well I do know why I am obsessed with not losing weight lately (&%$#& EIGHTEEN %$@#! MONTHS… stupid “deadline”) but that is a subject for another post soon.

Right now my obsession is smell and we are not talking the ’80s perfume with the ads with the starving models kind.

Calvin Klein ..turning an ad for perfume into a whole new level of body image obsession


If you have read anything on my blog, much less the title, chances are you realize I had the Duodenal Switch (DS) version of weight loss surgery and as many people will tell you one of the outcomes is that if you eat carbs you can end up with really stinky farts and upset guts as well as a horrible smelling bathroom.  All my life I have been very sensitive to smell, both my own and other people and I have had a major fear that I would smell bad my entire adult life, I had heard jokes of the stinky fat person and ran into a few (theirs was a hygiene issue I have never had but my anxiety would not accept that) and I began to worry I would be one of those people.  So I have worked hard all my life to smell good.

The thing with the DS is it is saving my life and quality of life and the smell is something that comes and goes in strength almost at random, yes milk will start my guts grumbling, BUT for weeks on end dairy, no matter how much I eat/drink will have little effect on my guts and then BOOM they start to go off like fireworks every time I take a drink.  And of course yes eating more carbs will set it off, that one is pretty much a given but the amount it takes to get my guts upset and the type it takes to start the gas or make the smell horrible varies from time to time. There are times it takes eating a stupid amount of simple carbs to set me off and other times a small amount of any carbs is all it takes.

I usually know when it is going to happen and can head home from a place if need be.  My husband swears he can not smell me cause of his sinus issues but I can smell me and that is bad enough… to be honest there are times when I have misbehaved with carbs and/or had too much dairy that the smell is bad enough to give me a headache.

I think the reason I am obsessing so much right now is I am volunteering to help do a convention and I will mostly be in a room with the staff coming and going all day and on top of that we are sharing a hotel room with two girls and so I wont even have the room at night to relax my fear.

I feel that I have to be super careful about what I eat and drink, not just at the convention itself but for the days leading up to it and since I am going to have to bring my own food for the convention I will have some chance of that working but it will be hard to stay on top of everything.  Thing is I am also cooking food for the convention volunteers, I will be making protein cereal bars and protein cupcakes (dont let the names fool you they are full of sugar with added protein powder) and a large rice dish for the day we set up.  The snacks I make in the week before the convention (Aug 4-7th) and then an afternoon making sandwiches (which are safe from me I dont like bread as much as sweets) and finally on Thursday the 4th I make a huge batch of Chicken Alfredo Rice.

I made it through the convention last year by being only 3 months out of surgery and barely being able to eat anything much less carbs, taking Gas-X (which no longer is very effective) and Devrom (which I can’t afford this year and is not very effective) and not working in a closed room.

I think I need to wean myself off carbs as much as I can, I will bring Lactose free milk even though it is pricey and use it for my protein drinks and servings of meat strips and sauces that are low carb, I will make damn sure I dont go over 40 grams of carbs if at all possible from Aug 2nd to the 8th (we are staying over night on the 7th) and who knows I might just lose some weight in the process.

Here is the thing, I say I have all these plans and I honestly will TRY my damnedest to behave but there seems to be something wrong with my head, I can’t seem to control myself as much as I should in times of stress and I do amazingly stupid crap like eat sugar coated cereal bars in a crowded room I am stuck in for 15-17 hours.  Maybe this will be a good test for me, maybe I can do it if I am determined enough and scared enough of embarrassment.


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Filed under Accountability, fears, Food, Motivation, My Thoughts on WLS and Life, obsessions, random daily stuff