Feeling in control for once

Nov writing month blog challenge day 3

CONTROL
The thing is in the last 11 days of not eating any sugar my only cravings have been purely mental ones after the second day, usually when I try to cut back or just have even 1 piece of dark dark chocolate a day I crave the sugar physically far worse than mentally but I realized that due to a long term problem with chronic fatigue syndrome dating back to my teens when my weight went insane I have major physical reactions to sugar and caffeine and they can increase my pain and inflammation. 
Without any processed sugar and less than 25% of the caffeine I was drinking just 2 weeks ago I now have less pain, anxiety and anger issues and I am not as exhausted all the time but I have to accept that I will always face triggers but I am the one who aims the gun so to speak.  I choose if I eat, I Choose what I eat, I am not helpless to my cravings and if I keep resisting them physically at least I will be more able to resist the urge. 
I did not give in last night despite the list of excuses and I realize I don’t have to ever give in if I don’t want to. 
Maybe for one of the first time ever in my life I am not just exerting real control over what I eat and why but more to the point for the first time ever I FEEL IN CONTROL.  I have quit sweets before but I always thought of it as a transient condition.  I was always just waiting out whatever goal date I had set for myself, such as no sugar for a month, counting down the days til I could indulge my addiction. 
This is the first time I have no deadline, no end date, I am not telling myself that we will have cake for my birthday in a month, or if I behave I can have Christmas as a free day and yet I feel safer and more in control of my eating than I ever have before.  Accepting that there is no way for me to have free days without them becoming free months is also truly for the first time accepting I have a biological issue that effects how my body deals with sugar and that while my addiction is not my fault my recovery is my responsibility.

There is something so broken in my head

I am not doing good, why the fuck am I making goodies???
I am a bonafide sugar addict, something in my brain and body chemistry is seriously messed up and I can’t seem to deal with simple sugars correctly, with me it is an all or nothing proposition and yet I am making holiday goodies… FUCK…
I know people who can make them and have a single bite and be fine, I know other Weight Loss Surgery people who can go through the holidays and make no goodies what so ever and avoid those of other people and here I am sick to my guts from nibbling carbs and I have been off and on for days and yet here I am thinking of how I will make the next batch, and wishing my husband was here to lock them in the garage.  Yeah that’s right, I dont have a key to my own garage and I make him lock goodies up in it and when we buy chocolate it goes in his pack and I ask for a piece because the fact is if I have the bar sitting there I will eat it all even if it is making me ill.

I hate my weakness and I need to conquer it ASAP but I just keep thinking OH I will wait til after christmas… this is sick thinking, this is addict thinking and the sad thing???

I will end up waiting and I will end up sick and hating myself and then I will go through hell in January trying to get off the sweets and then Valentine’s day will come and we will start all over again.  I KNOW I need to stop right now, I know I should get in my car and drive all this stuff over to my grandma’s and leave it there but I just wont.  What I will do is finish all the candy making tonight and first thing tomorrow when Alex walks through the door it all goes back in the garage and after Christmas day the house gets stripped of sweets.

I also know I need counseling again.  I been out of counseling for a little bit cause I really need to find a addiction councilor who understands eating disorders or eating disorder councilor who doesn’t just deal with anorexia or bulimia. OA is not an option I dont do good in groups though as soon as January comes around I will be seeing about the local WLS support groups and seeing if anyone there or in my surgeons office can suggest someone who will take my insurance.