Feels like I can’t catch a break

I just can’t catch a fucking break this week.
I actually start liking exercising and I get a fucking sports injury that usually only endurance athletes get in my right leg (I mean fucking really?!?)
That stopped hurting so badly with the use of meds, ice and rest but because I was walking off balance I now have a totally different and much worse pain low under my left knee and can barely walk any distance and need my cane for fear it will give out and buckle on me.
I did this to myself by overdoing it on the bike, I was doing 20-25 miles a week and now I am not allowed to do more than 2.5 to 3 miles 3 to 4 times a week and I have to put ice (which I hate!!!!) on right afterwards
Here is the thing though…I WILL be doing 2.5 to 3 miles 3-4 times a week as soon as I can walk without falling or starting Friday whichever comes first…I am NOT giving up damn it!

No more excuses

I know I need to make changes and finally I am finding reasons to get my knees done, reasons to be healthy, reasons to try, now I am seeking the Ways to make it happen.

It is time for me to step back and take a look at my life, ask myself “what do you want most to actually achieve? What things would you like to do that you have either not done or given up on?”
One of the first steps is to list my goals:
simple goals
difficult goals
complicated goals
realistic but hard goals.
Now is the time when I must take a much harder look, dig deep and ask myself “what excuse do I use to not even try to make these goals come true? What excuses am I giving others and worse, myself, to not make it happen or to not even find a way to do the best that I can and at least keep attempting to make it happen.”
It is time to be brutal, be honest and once I have a list of excuses I need to make another list of why each of those excuse is total bunk and bullshit, then make a list of ways I can try to achieve each thing, ways I can change things in my life to accomplish my goals.
It is time to stop finding excuses and start finding ways.

Excuses that all lead back to me needing to get my knees replaced:

I can’t exercise enough because my knees hurt so much (get them fixed)
I don’t sleep well partly due to pain and it makes me cranky (time to get them done)
I eat goodies I know will make me sick because of pain, I have little control when it hurts so badly (then it is time to face the fact this pain will last forever without a replacement)
I can’t lose weight if I can’t walk without so much pain (*cough* sugar *cough cough* sweets *cough* KNEES, REPLACE, NOW)

Excuses I have used to avoid getting my knees replaced (and the answers to why it is wrong)

Pain, it will hurt (I hurt every day of my life, I am currently 44yrs old with no massive illnesses, that is not right when I could fix it.  The pain and bad knees make me walk badly, my hips, back and feet pay the cost.  Major pain for 6 months to a year or ever increasing pain for life?)
They won’t last long (actually if I am good and keep my weight down I could be looking at 15 to 20 years, I would be 60-65 before they needed redoing and by then they might even have better ways to do it)
I will need so much help for a while I will be a burden (hate to break this to you chica but you are going to end up a bigger burden in 10 years if you can’t walk, now you will heal faster than you will at 55 and now mom and Alex can actually help you, then someday maybe you can help them.)
SCARS-12 inch+ scars (fuck you, I am aging faster due to pain, I see it on my face every day and it is worse on bad days, I am covered in stretch marks, I lost half my body weight, my husband doesn’t care about all that why should scars matter?)
I need to be under 200 pounds for a while (think back, that was my plan, the surgeon was willing to do them at 250 pounds, I wanted to lose to a magic number and I don’t think it will happen without the surgery, don’t lie to yourself)

So no more excuses, in a week I will know if we can do them,I want them done in April, I have 2 major events in March, I want chances of snow and ice to be slim and if the cortisone helps I would like to build up some more muscle.  If I have to have them done sooner, oh well it will have to be.
No more excuses.

Gift of positive thought to myself and others

Lately some people I love have really been suffering and I realize I can’t give advice about changing things, changing the way we think, the way we deal and everything if I can’t walk the walk.
I am better than I have been but still I have a lot of negative self thoughts, and like a lot of us I vent them on line.  It is time to stop that, time to be more positive so for Christmas I am giving me (and my on line friends) a break.
I will not post negative stuff about myself or about life, if something bad happens (like blowing a tire) I will mention it but I will also post something positive about the situation.
I am going to retrain my brain to be more positive, rebuild neuro pathways that are currently dedicated to anxiety, self doubt and angst and through concerted effort stop the behaviors that reinforce those thoughts (which are largely related to long trained chemical responses that can be altered)
I deserve to be happy and my friends deserve to see that side of me.

Some of the changes I am making are:
stay on top of my meds
Keep my house tidy regardless of if we have company or not
Get the art room done by New Years and keep it that way
Start doing more art and crafts
Cook healthier for us
Be more positive, every time a situation arises to upset me I Ned to think of something positive about it
Be more honest about not just what upsets me but what makes me happy
Remove negative influences from my life
Do positive things to make myself and others happy
Fight my addiction without belittling myself all the time
Read more
Budget better
Organize things in the house to make them less frustrating
take better care of my appearance, I deserve it

Feeling in control for once

Nov writing month blog challenge day 3

CONTROL
The thing is in the last 11 days of not eating any sugar my only cravings have been purely mental ones after the second day, usually when I try to cut back or just have even 1 piece of dark dark chocolate a day I crave the sugar physically far worse than mentally but I realized that due to a long term problem with chronic fatigue syndrome dating back to my teens when my weight went insane I have major physical reactions to sugar and caffeine and they can increase my pain and inflammation. 
Without any processed sugar and less than 25% of the caffeine I was drinking just 2 weeks ago I now have less pain, anxiety and anger issues and I am not as exhausted all the time but I have to accept that I will always face triggers but I am the one who aims the gun so to speak.  I choose if I eat, I Choose what I eat, I am not helpless to my cravings and if I keep resisting them physically at least I will be more able to resist the urge. 
I did not give in last night despite the list of excuses and I realize I don’t have to ever give in if I don’t want to. 
Maybe for one of the first time ever in my life I am not just exerting real control over what I eat and why but more to the point for the first time ever I FEEL IN CONTROL.  I have quit sweets before but I always thought of it as a transient condition.  I was always just waiting out whatever goal date I had set for myself, such as no sugar for a month, counting down the days til I could indulge my addiction. 
This is the first time I have no deadline, no end date, I am not telling myself that we will have cake for my birthday in a month, or if I behave I can have Christmas as a free day and yet I feel safer and more in control of my eating than I ever have before.  Accepting that there is no way for me to have free days without them becoming free months is also truly for the first time accepting I have a biological issue that effects how my body deals with sugar and that while my addiction is not my fault my recovery is my responsibility.

EXCUSES SUCK

Nov writers month blog daily challenge day 2

EXCUSES

Here were my excuses for eating the kinds of Carb laden food I have avoided for 11 days:
*I am so sad and stressed about POE’S rash
*I feel so much guilt over having hurt him trying to make it better.
*I was hungry no matter what I ate or drank
*I made the guys an epic batch of Chex Mix and wanted to taste it so bad
*Pain from shots and doing too much as always after them
*Anxiety because the house is getting messy and I am too sore and stiff right now to get on it and Alex is busy
*Can’t find anything in my garage or art room and know it will be weeks of work before it is organized
*My guts act up regardless of if I eat “good”carbs or “bad” carbs
*I was oddly more lonely than usual
* I couldn’t sleep

My answer to that plethora of excuses?

NO!
EXCUSES ARE BORING
STOP MAKING UP REASONS TO DO WHAT WILL HURT YOU
GO THE FUCK TO BED