Forgive the past so you can trust the future

Learn to love yourself in all your forms, if you can’t forgive the fat girl you were dont be surprised when you find you can’t bring yourself to trust the skinny girl you become not to fail you.
You may never love the body you had, have or will get but love yourself and be kind, I see myself on my wedding day nearly 300 pounds and for a moment I think “I hate that I was so big” but I look past it, at that moment I was happy, regardless of my body size at the time I was joyful and so I see those pictures and say to myself “if even for a little bit I felt so much joy and love even that big then I am damned if I will let anything make me feel less worthy now.”
I work hard to forgive myself for hurting my body so badly, I don’t forget but I forgive so that I can move on

Wow you win feel better?

You know I lived my younger life watching certain people one up each other with how bad their lives are compared to each other, who was sickest, who was craziest and who took what drugs, who was the most damaged by abuse.  They fought to prove who was the winner at being on the losing end at life.
Well by age 11 I had walked the fuck away from that competition, even as a kid I saw it for what it is, a way to put other people down to make yourself feel better by showing that you have it far worse.
I try not to do that, just because there are kids starving in India doesn’t make someone who hasn’t eaten in a day less hungry.  Just because I am also sad doesn’t make your depression invalid, just because I lost more weight doesn’t make every pound you lost less difficult or less a triumph and if I choose to point out that I also suffer these things I hope that I am gracious enough to say ‘I know how hard that kind of feeling is and you have my sympathy and if you need to talk I am here.”. I am not always perfect but I hope I do better most of the time.
Just because your life was a soap opera of disastrous proportions doesn’t mean that I should not stress about MY pain and MY anxiety on (say it with me) MY personal blog. 
I do not chase people down and ask them to read my blog, I don’t post links to it in random locations, I might link to it on My Twitter or My Facebook account but again I don’t chase down random people and beg them to read it.
So since I refuse to play the “your life is worse than mine so my feelings are not real or valid” game if you don’t like what I write move on to find someone else who didn’t walk away from that form of mental abuse 33 years ago.

Insults

You know some people who call me friend have in the last few months posted some pretty insulting stuff toward fat people, memes and jokes. 
So I wonder “is that how they saw me when I was twice this big?”. What about now? I am still fat by all cultural and health standards, and in my mind, in my heart and soul I am still huge and part of me always will be.  Is that what they see now? Some not quite human enough joke?
If I ask or comment I get things like “well you aren’t like that now” or “well yeah but I never think of YOU that way” or “oh it is just a joke don’t take it personally”
The thing is it is personal, even when it is not me they mock it effects me and always has.
I never forgot rude comments, insults and mocking by people who claim to like and even adore me even when they were not specifically aimed at me they take a bite out of me.
I may not remember all of the images that they posted, I may not remember all the words so carelessly and unfeelingly tossed around mocking other humans for being like me, but I DO remember the hurt feelings, every bit of feeling as if I was slapped, every bit of betrayed feelings.
And you wonder why part of me will always feel FAT?
You wonder why part of me is always going to be hyper sensitive to mocking and insults? 
There is a part of me that will always be broken, not just my body but part of who I am will always be that fat chick who felt every insult like a slap across the face.

You know I had a trainer once tell me the people she admired the most were the big ones who had to struggle to work out but do even if it is just walking. Any healthy young person can walk a mile and many won’t but for someone who use to be where I was (450+) or even where I am (215) to try, to struggle to just move that extra bit can be really hard and a major effort.
If you are smaller or know someone who is who thinks it is OK to mock big people then find a friend who weighs what you do, put them on your back and do dishes, clean the house and go for a walk with twice your current weight holding you down and then wonder why it is so hard for big people to work out or why some of us have had to go to drastic measures like having most of our stomachs cut out and part of our insides moved around.
Next time you think to mock a fat person just go up to the biggest person you like and smack them across the face because that is what it feels like when one of my friends post ‘jokes’ and insults about fat people.

New paths

Sometimes you get to a point where you realize you have taken so many wrong turns and gotten to a place in life that doesn’t service you well, where you feel as if you cause more harm than good and as if where you to keep moving forward, slogging through the muck and mire your own actions helped dig up you would drown.
You can not go backwards, you can’t take back failures, but you can learn from them, learn how to avoid this mess again.
You can’t go backwards but you can take a step to the side and take a look at how you got into this mess and replot your course, you can’t change the mistakes you made but you can figure out ways to not repeat them.
It is time to take a good look at things in life, step aside and look from different angles then wash away the pain and grime and move on to a new, more carefully plotted course.

I should be writing about Splenda poisoning

I quit sugar 16 days ago and like a total fuck up increased my splenda intake so much that I am now very sick, for me the symptoms are like having the flu while in the middle of bad PMS.
I should be writing to tell how horrible it is and what I am doing to alleviate the symptoms but one of the symptoms is my mind is so distracted and another is my fingers are so swollen and painful it hurts to type.
So the story will be put on hold and this may have to count as my Nov blog challenge post of the day.

EXCUSES SUCK

Nov writers month blog daily challenge day 2

EXCUSES

Here were my excuses for eating the kinds of Carb laden food I have avoided for 11 days:
*I am so sad and stressed about POE’S rash
*I feel so much guilt over having hurt him trying to make it better.
*I was hungry no matter what I ate or drank
*I made the guys an epic batch of Chex Mix and wanted to taste it so bad
*Pain from shots and doing too much as always after them
*Anxiety because the house is getting messy and I am too sore and stiff right now to get on it and Alex is busy
*Can’t find anything in my garage or art room and know it will be weeks of work before it is organized
*My guts act up regardless of if I eat “good”carbs or “bad” carbs
*I was oddly more lonely than usual
* I couldn’t sleep

My answer to that plethora of excuses?

NO!
EXCUSES ARE BORING
STOP MAKING UP REASONS TO DO WHAT WILL HURT YOU
GO THE FUCK TO BED

WLS Pet Peeves

There are many pet peeves I have about personal things to do with weight loss,  gas, lack of food choices, price of things, trying to find clothing that are affordable but also fit my unusual body shape and having to take food I can eat to every event we go to but really they are personal and sort of petty.

What I really I Hate though is that there is sometimes such a competitiveness between WLS people about the “BEST” surgery.

And while Duodenal Switch is best for ME and my situation, for someone else it might be too extreme or too invasive, for someone else RnY or VSG or the Band might be perfect where I would not have prospered on it.   It saddens me when I see people feeling bad also because their loss is different or slower or that they can not eat the same foods as others can and being made to regret their choice.

Another peeve is the “Nothing is ever wrong” thing I sometimes see, or the “If you have problems it is all your fault” thing.  There seems to be a certain level of denial in some groups, a “Never complain” mentality.

We need to support each other, give advice if asked for and not shaming, we have been shamed enough in our lives.

No ones surgery is exactly like someone else’s… By the same token my DS is not someone else’s, I can barely eat fiber at all without problems but other people can.  Some people can eat mass amounts of fat on the DS and I cant as easily, nor do I want to and some people have pushed the idea that I must.  No I MUST do what is right for me actually which in m case is moderate fat, low fiber, no sugar and high high protein but that is ME and my version of this surgery.

So what? That doesn’t make me wrong or a failure, it makes my body different.

SUPPORT is everything for us, many of us spent decades feeling that we had no support and that we made the wrong choices in life, it is time to offer support and information not shame and competition.

There is wonderful support out there, you just have to be determined, willing to choose who you will and will not listen to but most of all YOU must be as supportive as you WISH others were regardless of how supportive they are.

SIGH..I dont miss my old body but I sure do miss my old clothes

Tonight I went through my remaining clothes to find out what still fit (even if it is baggy but not falling off) and to find out what could be altered (shirts into dresses and material from dresses and skirts to be used in other outfits) and sorted out my sweaters into a drawer…without the stuff to be taken apart and sewn into about 6 items I now have 2 drawers of clothes (one is all sweaters) and two small drawers of under and night things as well as half a dozen items in my closet, mostly all second hand black dress shirts and my wedding dress.

As I sorted stuff I loaded up an entire bin with all my heavy velvet dresses that have been as altered as they can be and stuck it in the back of my nearly empty closet so that I can make a quilt out of the material someday.
I threw away the last of my thin velvety dresses (I use to have 7 of them, now the last two were not even worth saving the material as they were 15 yrs old and I hated doing it but they had been altered within an inch of their lives) and gathered up the few really big things I have still worth donating in that they have not been altered to death and boxed them up. I have already donated or given bags upon bags of clothing to charity and friends so there is only one liquor box full of stuff

I am thrilled that I have lost so much and that I wear a size Lg-2x instead of a 4-6X but I had been a 4-5X for over 12 years (a few 6X items fit in the last year before surgery) and I had spent a lot of that time accumulating clothes.  3 years ago I had an entire walk in closet full to over flowing with clothing including some great Gothic gowns and outfits and a 6 drawer dresser packed to the brim with clothing and a large suitcase full of seasonal stuff.
When Alex moved in I had started to lose weight and already had given a 13 gallon garbage bag of clothing away and put some of my stuff away to make room for his clothing, it was hard to find a handful of hangers for his few hanging items and yet now the floor of the closet is full of empty hangers and he has almost as many hanging clothes as do.
I am just slightly frustrated, I am still large enough (mostly 1-2X) that finding decent used clothing is pretty hard and even new things are often not in my size, the really large stuff like JMS sells out of 1-2X pretty fast and this year most of it sucks and the smaller things only go to 1x  lot of the time and are also no where near my style.  I am Goth and I love dark rich colors, black and grey and nice sensuous materials.  I used to wear full length skirts because I had no choice and now if they re not super light weight I cant stand them, my style has changed to what I always wanted it to be but now I dont have money or access to the clothing I want.

Oh well I could be bitching because nothing fits me at a size 7X so I will stop whining and start figuring out how to make the most of what I have.

Do not let your inner voice bully you

That voice in your head that tells you you can’t do something or calls you names is a bully…you have to fight back and diligently correct negative self talk all the time because if you don’t stand up to your inner bully it will just get louder, meaner and more destructive. The more you internally denigrate yourself with hateful thoughts and doubts the more you will find you can not trust yourself, the more you will quit before truly trying.
Crack the whip… negative self speak needs active and determined correction.  If the inner Bully says “you are a failure” the inner protector needs to correct that statement (even if you can’t believe it at the moment say it to yourself) “No I am not a failure I am being too hard on myself and I deserve to succeed”
We would hopefully not be willing to accept seeing someone we care for bullied by another person, so why are we willing to sit back and allow the one person we most need to protect and nurture be tormented?

Feb 15th … Give yourself some love Day

So many people hate Valentines day, they feel pressured to express love in a very special way, they feel pressure to be loved in that story book way and to be have the perfect romantic day.  Hopefully they have some of that love everyday and so February 14th will be just another day full of love and happiness but if not that does not mean love should not be part of your life.

So I declare today “give yourself some love day”…
Give yourself a break, figuratively as well as literally, forgive yourself past mistakes a then take some time, even half an hour and RELAX, really and truly, not in front of the TV not doing anything that needs doing, put on whatever music relaxes you, set a timer if you feel that you have to and relax.
Do even one small thing for yourself even if it is just taking the time to really massage in that lotion, savor a small treat, masturbate or paint your nails or write in your journal or read something you have wanted to read for a while.  Do not rush, do not feel guilt for taking the time and realize that you deserve the break.
If you can do this every day great, if not then set aside time once a week for YOU and insist that you get it

I AM THANKFUL FOR…

My Husband, Family and Friends (both in Boise and around the world) who have given me support in my choice to have Weight loss surgery and in the time I have struggled to lose weight over the last 2+ years.

Thank you all for understanding it is not always easy, that I am sometimes emotional and moody and that I often dont sleep well and can be cranky and for understanding that I am trying and that it will not all happen at once and for reminding me to be patient and thank you for caring and supporting me through the hard times as well as the good.

Fantasy and Reality… paying the bills to dream

I have been trying to put this into words and it wasn’t working then I saw this, I finally got my own words to work by reading these

I lived in my fantasies for so long I denied what was happening to me, bad relationships could be avoided by slipping into books that took me away to perfect relationships. My increasing weight and infirmities did not matter because I lived more in my mind, in my dreams than I did in my body, in my dreams I was not fat, I was not crippled, was in control and most of all I was not ME.  I spent money left and right, even money I did not have because I could not fight my impulse issues and I refused to accept that there really were consequences because when I was faced with them I just allowed myself to focus on pleasure instead and convince myself it was all alright.

I lived this way for so long until I simply had to face reality, until learning to function in the “Real World” made me see that my dreams are great, my hopes are wonderful and a huge part of my creativity but they were not paying the bills so to speak… in fact they were costing me more than I could ever afford… physically, mentally and yes financially.

To enjoy the fantasy you have to pay the bills… not just the rent, not just the groceries but the cost of life, treating people right, treating yourself right, not giving in to every impulse, learning to say no to yourself and others.  I means doing what needs doing, the day to day stuff, the dishes, the cleaning, the interactions with people you would just as soon avoid, the boring stuff.

It is those things that pay the way to fantasy, that make sure you can enjoy the dreams, the treat, the pleasure, knowing you are safe, you are warm and you are ACTUALLY loved for who you are and for the good you have done, not just loved in your dreams.  Dreams are great, they make life worth living, but life, that is what makes dreams possible.