Partner of a WLS person

My hubby isn’t very big (maybe 30 pounds more than need be) but he would be pretty happy staying home most weekends playing video games and D&D, not because he hates exercise (he is on his feet all day) but because they are his favorite things.
I went from 463 to 195 and I am in between knee replacements and I have made it clear to him I intend to be active, I intend to see and do stuff I never have or haven’t in decades and I want him beside me.  So he goes along and he enjoys it then I give him his game time…it is a 2 way st, I get bored with the games at time but we talk about them and he has no real interest in food as long as he doesn’t starve and gets a treat once in a while but he listens when I discuss health stuff.
I am so lucky, many relationships shatter to dust when one partner has surgery and loses, mutual insecurities, loss of an eating partner, the WLS person becoming obsessed with all aspects of weight loss and health and not giving time to their partner’s interests even financial issues and sometimes sadly complications with the WLS person’s health can drive people apart.
I was lucky, we started dating a month before my surgery, he had seen me 6 months earlier at my highest weight and by the time we started dating I had lost nearly 50pounds and had become very serious about losing weight. 
He met me when I was already very crippled with arthritis and I am 16 yrs his senior. I laid it on the line, how my surgery would change my body, how I would have to eat and my eventual goal to have my knees replaced as well as the fact that long term damage meant I would most likely never be as healthy as many people my age.
He told me he did not care and drove me to my surgery, that was 3years and 2 months ago…8 weeks ago he took me to the same hospital and waited while they replaced my right knee. In 45 days he will take me there again and be beside me as I recover for a third time he will hold me when I cry, he will worry and he will do everything he can to make it better.
And for that I am lucky and more determined to become and remain healthy than ever before.

One of our engagement pictures a year after surgery and the same dress near our first anniversary last year.

Walking the farmers market

Today we walked ALL of Boise’s downtown farmers market (about a mile) and even backtracked a lot and I feel fine, tired and a little sore but nothing bad.
4 years ago I was over 450pounds and never even thought of walking the market, I was so crippled walking into the store from my car hurt.
3 years and 2 months ago I had my DS WLS and was about 380 by this time of year and still could not have handled it but I began to think it might be possible some day.
Last year I was down around 245 and we started going to the market but the damage being so big had done to me meant I always walked part of it or the one time I did walk it all I was so sore I was near tears and hobbling by the end.
Now I am 195 pounds and I am more active then I ever remember willingly being since I was 21.
Just short of 8 weeks ago (8wks on Tues) I lost enough finally to have my first of 2 knee replacements which has always been my main weight loss goal.
There were days while I recovered that I cried from pain and wondered how I was going to face having the other knee done, but now I know I can do it, I will do it and I hope I do as good for that one as I am for this.
WLS was one of the best choices of my life, I may never be small, I may always be baggy as I don’t intend to have plastic surgery but I am determined I will make the most of these chances I have been given, the chance to start over small enough to not destroy my joints and bones with every step and eventually pain free and strong enough to maintain that.

Forgive the past so you can trust the future

Learn to love yourself in all your forms, if you can’t forgive the fat girl you were dont be surprised when you find you can’t bring yourself to trust the skinny girl you become not to fail you.
You may never love the body you had, have or will get but love yourself and be kind, I see myself on my wedding day nearly 300 pounds and for a moment I think “I hate that I was so big” but I look past it, at that moment I was happy, regardless of my body size at the time I was joyful and so I see those pictures and say to myself “if even for a little bit I felt so much joy and love even that big then I am damned if I will let anything make me feel less worthy now.”
I work hard to forgive myself for hurting my body so badly, I don’t forget but I forgive so that I can move on

Sugar and pain?

I have been reading a lot about carbohydrates and pain (sugars AND grains increasing some people’s pain sensitivity) all I know is I feel so much worse after eating anything grain or sweet, my stomach hates it my guts hate it and my mood goes to hell….AND my pain spikes or at least I notice it more.
There is also the fact that I seem to have no control over myself with carbs, I can’t seem to moderate them.  I honestly thought I could eat “just a few crackers a day” but I start with a few crackers and eat a dozen or more…then I want sweets.
So for this weekend at least I am giving up carbs and seeing if there is any improvement in my pain and my mood and my cravings.
So giving mom the triscuits and Alex my debit card and there really isn’t anything else but a little vodka for him to stash (it crashes my moods anyway) and seeing if I feel better by the end of the weekend despite being off Norco even at night.

Up we go

A lot of times we do things we don’t think we can do when we stop thinking about it at all.  Since my knee surgery I haven’t walked up steps and was planning to start with just a few at the Y.  Today I had to go to St. Lukes lab for my annual wls blood work…as we were headed out we got to the top of a flight of stairs, I looked at mom…”Did we come in this way?”
“Yes”
I had been thinking of coffee and chatting and hadn’t noticed I breezed up a flight of stairs, going down as always took a little thought but we walked to the parking lot again and headed out.
Now I know I can walk up stairs…lol

Big drop

After a 3 day hospital stay I was 234 from IVs (I went I at 222) pain meds had me constipated and then killed my appetite.
I went to an orthopedic rehab and scared them because they expected me to lose the 12 pounds difference and in the first 10 days I lost 25 …. by the time I left 3 weeks later I was 199.  Two weeks later and I average out at 195 (my new ID even says that) I was stalled for 2 months yoyoing between 212 and 219 until 3 days of stress eating caught up with me right before surgery.
Also I am 3 years out, I spent the entire time pushing protein and trying to get enough calories to heal and I am still trying and while I am on a lower dose of meds and can eat more often I now can’t stomach more than a few bites at a time.
Sometimes going back to basics does help, I now work out as much as I can, I drink 2 protein drinks a day (I am a DSer and need 140 grams of protein to heal OK) and eat about 85% protein with a few sweet or fibrous things to help with the constipation.
I could lose more quickly by not forcing higher calorie proteins like nuts but I am aware my body needs at least some calories to heal my knee. 
In the end basics matters but so does taking care of yourself

My personal Buffet rules

Ask your surgeon’s office if they have a card defining you as a WLS patient and asking that you be allowed a discount on buffets or to be allowed to order Alan carte or off a kids menu.  Golden Corral lets me pay as if I was 8-12 years old $5.95 for dinner….a few others do a 25% discount.
I have forts very good at eating right at a buffet and haven’t over done for the last 7-8 times.
My tricks with buffet are:
Find the small dessert size plates
It is better to fill 3 small plates with a few bites each than to over fill a big one.
Sit with your back to the food, studies prove you will eat less
As usual, protein first, be careful of sauces which can both upset your stomach and pack in sugar. Don’t put anything but protein on your first small plate, then check out steamed veggies or mixed veg/protein dishes.
Sit as far from the food as possible so you have to walk farther and are less likely to graze.
If you decide to have dessert do not bring a whole piece back with you, I allow myself half tiny square of fudge and about 2 bites of carrot cake and take a clean knife and cut a piece of fudge right there at the counter and only take a tiny bit off the tip of the cake..where the least amount of frosting is.
Eat slowly…very very slowly, I was screwing this up on about every 4th time and throwing up…and I know exactly what does it each time, I’d go too fast and then tell myself “I am full but a few (5) strawberries won’t hurt” HA! The minute you feel full you are DONE
If you go with friends take a note book and doodle or make notes or lists between plates of food and chat with them so they don’t feel rushed and forced to cut their meal short and so it slows you down.

Wow you win feel better?

You know I lived my younger life watching certain people one up each other with how bad their lives are compared to each other, who was sickest, who was craziest and who took what drugs, who was the most damaged by abuse.  They fought to prove who was the winner at being on the losing end at life.
Well by age 11 I had walked the fuck away from that competition, even as a kid I saw it for what it is, a way to put other people down to make yourself feel better by showing that you have it far worse.
I try not to do that, just because there are kids starving in India doesn’t make someone who hasn’t eaten in a day less hungry.  Just because I am also sad doesn’t make your depression invalid, just because I lost more weight doesn’t make every pound you lost less difficult or less a triumph and if I choose to point out that I also suffer these things I hope that I am gracious enough to say ‘I know how hard that kind of feeling is and you have my sympathy and if you need to talk I am here.”. I am not always perfect but I hope I do better most of the time.
Just because your life was a soap opera of disastrous proportions doesn’t mean that I should not stress about MY pain and MY anxiety on (say it with me) MY personal blog. 
I do not chase people down and ask them to read my blog, I don’t post links to it in random locations, I might link to it on My Twitter or My Facebook account but again I don’t chase down random people and beg them to read it.
So since I refuse to play the “your life is worse than mine so my feelings are not real or valid” game if you don’t like what I write move on to find someone else who didn’t walk away from that form of mental abuse 33 years ago.

Feels like I can’t catch a break

I just can’t catch a fucking break this week.
I actually start liking exercising and I get a fucking sports injury that usually only endurance athletes get in my right leg (I mean fucking really?!?)
That stopped hurting so badly with the use of meds, ice and rest but because I was walking off balance I now have a totally different and much worse pain low under my left knee and can barely walk any distance and need my cane for fear it will give out and buckle on me.
I did this to myself by overdoing it on the bike, I was doing 20-25 miles a week and now I am not allowed to do more than 2.5 to 3 miles 3 to 4 times a week and I have to put ice (which I hate!!!!) on right afterwards
Here is the thing though…I WILL be doing 2.5 to 3 miles 3-4 times a week as soon as I can walk without falling or starting Friday whichever comes first…I am NOT giving up damn it!

Tickers for goals

These are my pre surgery physical therapy goals between now and April 16th

Days til surgery #1

 Straight Leg Raises (100 a day goal)

Comparative measurements 3 years before and 3 years after WLS

Feb 07 weight approximately 450

Neck 16“
Upper chest 52“ (cup size G-H)
Waist 62“
Hips 82“
Upper arms 20″
R Thighs 42“
R Calf 26″

April 26 2010….Duodenal Switch Weigh Loss Surgery

March 13 weight 216

Neck 13“
Upper chest 37“ (cup size DD-DDD)
Waist 40“
Hips 55“
Upper arms 11.5″
R Thighs 27“
R Calf 17″

High protein, low Carb, gluten free Pi day pie

The low Carb/high protein/gluten free pi day pie I made, chopped cashew crust, 1 cupnsugar free strawberry yogurt, 1 package sugar free chocolate pudding, 12oz milk and 6oz cream cheese and almonds on top.  Very yummy actually