So close, now to get serious, again

((I am 3-5 pounds away from being 231 pounds, half of the 463 I once got up to…I WANT to lose that by the 26th of April my 2 year anniversary of my surgery but my weight loss has slowed to a snails pace, and when I am honest with myself I know why…..))

Talking about health and changes in diet with my wonderful Future Brother In Law made me realize I just how badly I have been slacking on taking care of myself.  I have allowed excuses like working at a convention to justify my bad choices and even after it was all said and done I continue to make those bad choices.
“Well I am an addict” is NEVER acceptable justification for doing what you know is bad for you, my very very real sugar addiction (insulin resistance) does not justify me eating a candy bar or worse daily… if anything it means I have to be extra spacial careful NOT to give in so easily.
“I have an addiction” should be instead what I say to myself to remind myself how much worse what seems like simple choices to others are for me.
Some people are prone to certain addictions and not others, their bodies act almost opposite of someone with an allergy, most people I know have no issue with MSG but I do, most people I know have little or no insulin resistance (their bodies dont treat simple carbohydrates like a drug and start a craving cycle like for tobacco or alcohol)
On the other hand I have tired smoking cigarettes at different times in my life and even after doing it for a bit had no problem giving them up cold, my body never craved them while many of my friends dont function at all well without nicotine.
I will follow my own advice and take a serious look yet again at what, when and why I eat, I will decide what choices I am making that are sabotaging myself and I will change those behaviors and make better choices.
I did not come this far (with in a handful of pounds from half of my largest size) to allow myself and my excuses to get in my own way.

Do not let your inner voice bully you

That voice in your head that tells you you can’t do something or calls you names is a bully…you have to fight back and diligently correct negative self talk all the time because if you don’t stand up to your inner bully it will just get louder, meaner and more destructive. The more you internally denigrate yourself with hateful thoughts and doubts the more you will find you can not trust yourself, the more you will quit before truly trying.
Crack the whip… negative self speak needs active and determined correction.  If the inner Bully says “you are a failure” the inner protector needs to correct that statement (even if you can’t believe it at the moment say it to yourself) “No I am not a failure I am being too hard on myself and I deserve to succeed”
We would hopefully not be willing to accept seeing someone we care for bullied by another person, so why are we willing to sit back and allow the one person we most need to protect and nurture be tormented?

Then Change Something

I realize it really is finally time to shake things up, time to rethink how things are going and try to get them going more the way I want and in a way that will make me a better/happier person.

It is time to evaluate the things and people who annoy me, take me for granted or are to my detriment and decide which will need to be removed or avoided
It is also time to strengthen ties with people who are helpful, supportive, loving, as giving to me as I am to them and who knowing/being involved with is a mutual benefit and makes my life somehow better not more annoying.
Finally it is time to remove things from my life causing me strife and make the other things work better.
I can not go on the way I have been I am responsible for my happiness and my health and those people and things that effect it badly need to be removed from my life.

There will be no scenes, no drama, no fights, just subtle shifts and changes, but subtle can make a big difference, probably not in the world of other people’s lives but in mine anyway and to be honest that is what I care about right now.

Compost yourself

This is an open letter to a friend who says their life is garbage and they are trash and not worth the effort to change .

I think the general principle is sound and a lot of us with issues that are holding us back should see how we can adapt the concept of Composting our lives into something useful………

Letter to T:

Weird analogy coming but follow me here and see where I am going:
So you think you are trash, not worth loving? Dont go there, dont give up and let yourself waste away in a dump of depression and bad relationships.
COMPOST YOURSELF (see I told you it was weird)
Wrap yourself in the warmth of the love YOU have for your children and the need you have to protect them, not just from outside forces but from the influence of seeing you allow yourself to be treated badly. They need to see that you can stand alone if need be and that you can learn to make good choices so that they can recognize them when they grow up.

Bury yourself in the love your friends and children have for you,accept that you are worthy of that love and that just because there have been people who have walked all over you and thrown you away does not mean you are not worthy of love and respect.

Water yourself with the knowledge that you CAN CHANGE if you work hard enough and need it enough.  You are more than the child in your past who was hurt so badly or the grown up who was abuse.  You are stronger than you can imagine and you will find that strength if you can let go of what you have been told you are through the words and actions of those who hurt you.

Finally turn yourself around and over and churn up the feelings/thought processes that have done this to you, deal with them, analyze them, adapt to and then turn them upside down til you have something rich and clean and able to grown the life you want. You are capable of having a healthy life, not just a garbage heap.  You are capable of creating that life but you have to face the past, stop poisoning the now and work hard for the future.

You can do this, you are not trash, your life is not garbage.. think of it instead as the start of a beautiful and bountiful garden.