You know I lived my younger life watching certain people one up each other with how bad their lives are compared to each other, who was sickest, who was craziest and who took what drugs, who was the most damaged by abuse. They fought to prove who was the winner at being on the losing end at life.
Well by age 11 I had walked the fuck away from that competition, even as a kid I saw it for what it is, a way to put other people down to make yourself feel better by showing that you have it far worse.
I try not to do that, just because there are kids starving in India doesn’t make someone who hasn’t eaten in a day less hungry. Just because I am also sad doesn’t make your depression invalid, just because I lost more weight doesn’t make every pound you lost less difficult or less a triumph and if I choose to point out that I also suffer these things I hope that I am gracious enough to say ‘I know how hard that kind of feeling is and you have my sympathy and if you need to talk I am here.”. I am not always perfect but I hope I do better most of the time.
Just because your life was a soap opera of disastrous proportions doesn’t mean that I should not stress about MY pain and MY anxiety on (say it with me) MY personal blog.
I do not chase people down and ask them to read my blog, I don’t post links to it in random locations, I might link to it on My Twitter or My Facebook account but again I don’t chase down random people and beg them to read it.
So since I refuse to play the “your life is worse than mine so my feelings are not real or valid” game if you don’t like what I write move on to find someone else who didn’t walk away from that form of mental abuse 33 years ago.
Category Archives: the past
You know I lived my younger life watching certain people one up each other with how bad their lives are compared to each other, who was sickest, who was craziest and who took what drugs, who was the most damaged by abuse. They fought to prove who was the winner at being on the losing end at life.
Damn splenda, when I first ODed on it about 4 months ago I thought I was dying. I had just given up sugar and was reducing my shockingly huge caffeine intake by 70% and so I was drinking massive glasses of tea and realized that I been using 25 packs a day and getting horribly sick. I reduced to no more than 7 a day and was doing fine but my body is never happy with what I want and sometimes I slip up and drink a few more. The thing is now 10 is enough to trigger the reactions and splenda is actually harder to quit than sugar has been and I go through hell trying to give either of them up for long.
Dehydration and a miserable thirst despite drinking alot of water
all over body ache similar to the flu
Muscle weakness and horrendous joint pain,
A near migraine level headache
Itchy skin, especially my hands,
PMS type irritability,
None of which by the way is really touched by pan relievers.
I know it is evil stuff. My pain tells me that, I also know I have two different issues with my body that cause it to react badly to sugars. I am insulin reactive which makes my body treat even small amounts of simple carbohydrates (sugars) as if they were an even more highly addictive substance than they actually are. I also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which causes sugars to react badly with my moods causing foggy thoughts and depression as well as increasing my over all inflammation.
I know all of that but giving it up cold turkey is hell and the only way I ever have managed for even a month, giving up even 90% means the 10% triggers my insulin resistance and my cravings, and now even smaller amounts of splenda is triggering a toxic reaction.
I sort of am feeling sort under attack by … I don’t know…fate or something.
All my life sweets were my addiction, they were my crutch and security blanket and I am more than aware that they were killing me. I ate myself up to 460+ pounds, I crippled myself and I now know that at least a good deal of my depression, chronic pain and other random illnesses I now realize were related to CFS were exacerbated by my ridiculous sugar intake. I know I have to give it up for so many reasons but it just makes me so sad that I am someone whose body is so messed up that they can’t have even a little something sweet.
I work at giving up sugar and one of the few treats I was still able to enjoy was sweet hot tea or coffee and now it feels as if I can’t have any.
If I drink too much caffeine I either can’t sleep worth a damn or if I really drink too much I crash out for days. I can no longer drink sugars at all due to the weight loss surgery causing liquid sugar to react badly with my stomach, apspertame makes me sick as a dog eating grass and now anything more than 4 packets of splenda puts me in pain. Oh yeah and Stevia tastes like hay.
I know that I just need to stop, stop eating sugar for my health as it causes ahost of physical and mental issues with my weirdo body and now I just need to give up sweeteners all together.
And I really need to give up this feeling of being punished and stop being so lax in taking care of myself and I need to put my overall health and comfort ahead of momentary impulses for sweets and the temporary comfort it brings.
NOTE: All I can think about as I write this is whether I can justify a danish or not in the morning. Crap I want to cry.
So it seems that not eating carbs, sugars, and drinking lots of milky tea this week has finally made a difference, in 3 days I lost 5 pounds and I am now at my lowest adult weight of 217.
Lets just hope I can stick with it and lose 13 more pounds by Dec 7th (my birthday) to reach my goal of half of what I weighed the day of my weight loss Surgery when I was 411 pounds.
Personally if at all possible I would love to lose 20 pounds by new years day so I could strt the year under 200 pounds.
I just wish it was easier for me and not such a constant struggle. I really wish that I had more self control but the fact is I have major impulse control issues, right now I am having to give up so much for my health and to reduce my pain on top of all the stuff I have had to give up due to my altered anatomy (but much of which I wasn’t giving up enough which explains why I have been stalled)
*Simple carbs/sugar, including alcohol,
*Large amounts of gluten,
*Pasta, bread, actually regardless of if it is gluten free my body can handle almost no grains/rice of any type, except very small amounts of Quinoa
*Almost every raw vegetables (only a small amount of well cooked ones)
*And almost all fruit due to the fiber,
*Anything at all with MSG or most nitrates
*Anything deep fried regardless of how little breading is on it
*Fibrous, dry or under cooked cuts of meat
Milk (lots of it…especially in tea)
Lite (low sugar) yogurt
Very tender Chicken, fish, non fatty Beef and Pork (this gets old fast BTW..and it is expensive even when you eat small amounts)
Scrambled eggs in small amounts but not Boiled as they can make me sick
Small amounts of Quinoa
White or black beans super well cooked
Tomatoes and cucumbers (if peeled)
Well cooked peppers in small amounts, same with onions
Decaf coffee and tea
A small amount of regular tea
I knew most of what I was giving up with my surgery before it happened in late April 2010 (30 months ago) but I have cheated A LOT. I realized recently that beyond slowing my weight loss I was having issues with sugar and carbs exacerbating my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and causing many symptoms to flair up and because it was getting so bd I can not eat Sugars (carbs) very much at all with out exhaustion and increased pain sensitivity and a serious increase in inflammation which leads to lower mobility and even more pain.
So no I am not asking for pity, I made my choices and now I am trying to live up to the decisions I made.
Tonight I went through my remaining clothes to find out what still fit (even if it is baggy but not falling off) and to find out what could be altered (shirts into dresses and material from dresses and skirts to be used in other outfits) and sorted out my sweaters into a drawer…without the stuff to be taken apart and sewn into about 6 items I now have 2 drawers of clothes (one is all sweaters) and two small drawers of under and night things as well as half a dozen items in my closet, mostly all second hand black dress shirts and my wedding dress.
As I sorted stuff I loaded up an entire bin with all my heavy velvet dresses that have been as altered as they can be and stuck it in the back of my nearly empty closet so that I can make a quilt out of the material someday.
I threw away the last of my thin velvety dresses (I use to have 7 of them, now the last two were not even worth saving the material as they were 15 yrs old and I hated doing it but they had been altered within an inch of their lives) and gathered up the few really big things I have still worth donating in that they have not been altered to death and boxed them up. I have already donated or given bags upon bags of clothing to charity and friends so there is only one liquor box full of stuff
I am thrilled that I have lost so much and that I wear a size Lg-2x instead of a 4-6X but I had been a 4-5X for over 12 years (a few 6X items fit in the last year before surgery) and I had spent a lot of that time accumulating clothes. 3 years ago I had an entire walk in closet full to over flowing with clothing including some great Gothic gowns and outfits and a 6 drawer dresser packed to the brim with clothing and a large suitcase full of seasonal stuff.
When Alex moved in I had started to lose weight and already had given a 13 gallon garbage bag of clothing away and put some of my stuff away to make room for his clothing, it was hard to find a handful of hangers for his few hanging items and yet now the floor of the closet is full of empty hangers and he has almost as many hanging clothes as do.
I am just slightly frustrated, I am still large enough (mostly 1-2X) that finding decent used clothing is pretty hard and even new things are often not in my size, the really large stuff like JMS sells out of 1-2X pretty fast and this year most of it sucks and the smaller things only go to 1x lot of the time and are also no where near my style. I am Goth and I love dark rich colors, black and grey and nice sensuous materials. I used to wear full length skirts because I had no choice and now if they re not super light weight I cant stand them, my style has changed to what I always wanted it to be but now I dont have money or access to the clothing I want.
Oh well I could be bitching because nothing fits me at a size 7X so I will stop whining and start figuring out how to make the most of what I have.
Note: it is kind of hard for me to type right now, I am laying in bed with my right leg very elevated and my mini-laptop on my chest (propped up on a blanket so I can see the keyboard) and I am more than a little doped up so bare with me. Today I got my forth set of cortisone shots in my knees and for the first time the shot themselves were very painful due to inflammation of the joint and connective tissue. Since it is difficult for me to take any kind of anti-inflammatory medicine due to the weight loss surgery making NSaId drugs dangerous for me I had not thought to take anything for swelling and since the pain was not too bad when I walked in I thought everything would be ok. WRONG…the shots themselves were unusually painful and afterwards we went out to coffee and I walked a little thinking that it would help break down the crystals in the cortisone and loosen my knees up. WRONG AGAIN we went home (appointment at 10:10, coffee around 11, then home by 1) and my right knee started to ache a bit so I went to bed and made a big mistake. I had my electric throw over me and the heat from it may have increased the swelling because quickly the pain was excruciating and I could barely move. Alex needed to sleep since he works nights so I got out of bed and took some pain meds and even some rum out of desperation and no luck. A call to the doctors office had them informing me this sometimes happens and that if there is swelling before the shot it can be made worse which hurts and can pinch the already damaged nerves. They said to elevate it and ice it (I hate that part) I lay on the couch with my knee up and a bag of frozen cauliflower on it and called my mom and cried because the pain not only was so bad but because it reminded me of the years of pain I had with arthritis and the many many times I hurt this bad with arthritis when I was twice this big. I had jinxed myself by saying that the worst pain with the cortisone worn off before the shot was not as bad as an average day at over 440. I think if it is possible I have a form of PTSD where my knee pain is concerned, I am terrified of the pain not going away and spending the rest of my life like this. There will come a time when I need the knee replacements and I understand that they are horribly painful for months and ache for up to years but I am trying to put it off if at all possible and lose more weight…I think I needed this reminder about how serious this all is to motivate me.
If I had any doubt that I really do need to lose more, that I need to be far more serious about it all then this changed that, taking a step and wanting to throw up from the pain makes me realize that I can never slack, I can never allow myself to gain back the crippling weight that did this to my joints in the first place.
Another note, out of desperation I took a celebrex, I took maximum strength chewable antacid, ate some stomach coating stuff and hoped for the best (still hoping one NSaID doesn’t do too much harm) In July when I do this again I am doing a few things differently:
#1 super hydrate to help with inflammation
#2 take the 2 days before it easy and not walk all over the place or go out a lot so the knees can relax (i over did in the days leading up to the shot Monday)
#3 the evening before and the early morning of I will take first a Celebrex then later a Midol with hardcore Antacids and stomach coating foods (1 of each…talked to my WLS doc about it nd once in a very long while it is ok)
#4 late night before the shot I will ice my knees for a while and lay on my back with them elevated
#5 as soon as the shots are done I will go home, elevate them and relax, Alex has agreed to plan on taking the 3 days a year I get my shots done off just in case so unlike tonight I wont be home alone if something does happen
and most of all
I want to lose at least 3-4 pounds a month between shots so that I can be down another 12-16 pounds by July (putting me at around 220)
Every pound I lose helps!!
I need to sleep, Alex is taking some pics of me for “After” photos (ok well hopefully “during” photos but hopefully you know what I mean) and I would like to look as if I slept more than 2 hours.
You know when I modeled when I was really big I was never nervous, I really wasn’t worried how I looked as long as I was doing my job and looking how I was supposed to…and now I am all anxious about how I will look in my pics.
I think I am just not use to how I look now, everything is so different, I have bone structure I never knew I had and I feel that I look a lot closer to my age than I ever have before. I guess I also worry there won’t be a noticable difference between the last set of photos we did ten months ago and now which is silly because I am about 50 pounds smaller now.
Anyway I will post pics tomorrow and we will see.
I was asked if I thought weight loss surgery was worth the problems some people have (of which I have had amazingly few) and if I would do it again.
Short answer: yes and yes
Longer answer: I am less then a week away from having a cortisone shot to relieve the pain in my knees and the last shot is pretty well gone and yes i hurt, sometimes enough to take my breath away. But you know I do not even at the worst this week with certain extenuating circumstances making it hurt really bad feel nearly the pain I did on a regular basis during the summer of 09. That was when I was my biggest and the pain then had me taking up to 6 tramadol a day for days on end. I went through pain meds like candy and could barely walk back then, now at nearly half the size I was in July of 2009 I may still need my knees replaced and it may still hurt but I don’t take 6 tramadol a month when a reasonable amount of tylenol is enough to get me through the worst of it and most of the time I don’t even need that.
With the pain I have had at times this last week I realize that if I had been over 440 pounds over the last 3 years I most likely would be in a wheelchair most of the time now. I would not be as active as i am now, I would not be climbing stairs, going shopping on foot or able to just enjoy myself. I am far from physically as activer as I should be but trust me I am far more active at 43 than I was at 36 when my knees got really bad.
If I had kept on gaining by the time I was 50 I would have been 500 lbs and crippled beyond measure.
Yes there are foods I can’t eat without consequences and my muscles are weaker because I didn’t work them hard enough, yes I am now struggling for every pound I lose and I worry more about my weight then i did before and my clothes are hanging off of me and I can’t afford to replace them. Yes there are risks and I will take vitamins the rest of my life but I now have a chance at a good long life and it is worth it in so many ways.
So I started doing the math for how much my vitamins and mineral supplements cost now that I am on much cheaper ones and assuming I am buying them in bulk = $640 a yr
And then there is the whey isolate protein supplement I use = about $250 a year
There is no way around this, I have to take them or I can get very very sick even die and since some of them are specialty items (like AquADEK) that only are made by one or two companies they cost a lot.
The thing is I would do it all again, I would go through the weight loss surgery and take vitamins every day of my life to make sure I can be healthy enough to enjoy my life.
When I worry about trying to fix my clothing so it doesn’t fall off of me I remember how much worse it was trying to make clothes that fit and making skirts out of twin sheets because they were cheap and I could get 1 1/2 skirts for $5. I remember using an extension piece for my bras and now I have to cut the same pieces of the backs off of them not to add to other bras but to sew them tighter.
When I worry about my weight yoyoing on a 6 pound range for months on end I need to remind myself of a time I was too big to way on a regular scale or most Drs scales even.
When my knees kill me right before a cortisone shot I think about how much worse it would be at twice this weight, how much more pain I would be in just trying to make it day to day on shattered knees.
So yes I would do it again and somehow I will find a way to make it all work…I will take my pills, I will stay healthy and I will not ever give up even when it seems so hard I want to cry.
Instead I will remember the first time I walked across a diagonal crosswalk in the amount of time given. I will remember standing next to Alex at our ceremony and not hurting. I will remember that I have a lot to live for and I will live to the fullest.
This is an open letter to a friend who says their life is garbage and they are trash and not worth the effort to change .
I think the general principle is sound and a lot of us with issues that are holding us back should see how we can adapt the concept of Composting our lives into something useful………
Letter to T:
Weird analogy coming but follow me here and see where I am going:
So you think you are trash, not worth loving? Dont go there, dont give up and let yourself waste away in a dump of depression and bad relationships.
COMPOST YOURSELF (see I told you it was weird)
Wrap yourself in the warmth of the love YOU have for your children and the need you have to protect them, not just from outside forces but from the influence of seeing you allow yourself to be treated badly. They need to see that you can stand alone if need be and that you can learn to make good choices so that they can recognize them when they grow up.
Bury yourself in the love your friends and children have for you,accept that you are worthy of that love and that just because there have been people who have walked all over you and thrown you away does not mean you are not worthy of love and respect.
Water yourself with the knowledge that you CAN CHANGE if you work hard enough and need it enough. You are more than the child in your past who was hurt so badly or the grown up who was abuse. You are stronger than you can imagine and you will find that strength if you can let go of what you have been told you are through the words and actions of those who hurt you.
Finally turn yourself around and over and churn up the feelings/thought processes that have done this to you, deal with them, analyze them, adapt to and then turn them upside down til you have something rich and clean and able to grown the life you want. You are capable of having a healthy life, not just a garbage heap. You are capable of creating that life but you have to face the past, stop poisoning the now and work hard for the future.
You can do this, you are not trash, your life is not garbage.. think of it instead as the start of a beautiful and bountiful garden.
I just realized something today… I am 400 pounds and I have been for about 12 years, well maybe not on the scale but in my head, in my head I am still 400 pounds.
When I was over 450 I was still 400 in my head, I did not realize how unhealthy I looked, yes I knew I was fat but I didn’t realize how unhealthy my skin was, my hair, my general self, I felt I looked about like I did at 400, I was in denial.
And now when I am nearly 250 pounds (205 pounds smaller than my highest weight) and I should be feeling all smaller and sleeker I still feel 400 pounds in my mind, I still feel huge and there are those who would say that 259 IS HUGE but for me it is not, really it isn’t, except in my head.
And what is the main culprit of this? Clothing, the fact is as I gained weight I wore many of the same items I am wearing now, I always wore sort of baggy stuff not to hide but cause I enjoy comfort and for me those things were comfortable and since I am the definition of broke and just getting my meds and protein and vitamins every month is an effort getting new clothes has been catch as catch can with me. I have thankfully stumbled on to some amazing wal-mart sells, leggings for $3 light weight sweaters $3 and I did buy sizes down to 2x to put away for later but what is it that stopped me from grabbing up the 1x’s and putting them away? I guess there is still a part of me that is not sure I will ever be under 200pounds, that I will ever wear a XL or a L and I am not sure how to get over that.
I still like my style, bohemian gothic, flowing, free and not clinging, gypsy meets Halloween witches. But I know that I have to admit that I have taken in my velvet dresses as much as I can, and that while I can justify one alteration to my long skirts the heavier ones will not work with just pulling in the waistbands. I need to actually take panels out of them and make them a different size all together. I also have to accept that when I get to 200 pounds I need to completely make new skirts and maybe even buy some (problem being I can’t find for the price I can afford the skirts I like) and I will need to replace most of my tops and take in the few worth saving.
So Alex and I talked about this and we decided unless I find more amazing $3 sales I need to invest in a single foundation garment a month (like I said we are broke, I am trying to find a job I can do with my disability but it is hard) this month was shoes and socks, next month is a bra after that probably shape wear. I am determined to take my skirts to grandmas and start remaking one a week, I will also make a completely new skirt or tank dress to wear under my tops once a month out of something interesting and different material wise.
Now if I had my choice I would have amazing clothes and here are some I love…
There has been a lot of talk about bullying and peer abuse so I thought i would repost this blog entry from 10-19-10 on my Standing on the Borderline Blog
I once had a counselor ask me when I was around 24 if I had ever been abused..that I had all the symptoms of sever abuse, and I said no, my family was cool, no one I knew, or didn’t, had ever touched me and then after about the 3rd time it came up he asked what had school been like for you…. were you bullied?
I told him
This man who had been a counselor for 30 years looked at me in shock as I detailed the mental, emotional and even physical abuse I went through everyday from 4 to 16 until at 16 I nearly died in an attempt on my own life because it had me so off center.
I detailed the rumors and lies, the physical fights, the daily attacks on my person, my space and my sanity as well as how it made me hate school, how I eventually feared going to University because of it and was so relieved to realize that it was different. I told him how I went through a year of diagnosed stress related narcolepsy in 5th grade, I was so messed up I would basically pass out in class or on the school field and not wake up.
I told him how the teachers saw it and how if I complained i got told “well if you lost weight (I did not start to get heavy til 11) well if you were not so odd, or if you liked girl stuff maybe they would like you” the few times a kid’s parent was brought in they all said the same thing… “kids will be kids and if she was not so different they would leave her alone”
I got told it was my fault.
I told him how this behavior carried on into my 20’s how I was always on the outside of any group I wanted to be part of, how I was often shunned and always just told myself it was my fault, something was so wrong with me that no matter how I tried I could not fit in.
He told me “T’Rina you were abused and it effected you like any abuse except in some ways it is worse because you dont have one or two people to be mad at, to focus anger and then healing on, you have an entire world you learned to fear and that you could not expect help from the people who are suppose to help you.”
That treatment I suffered through not only stayed with me as memories but it is most likely what led up to my Borderline personality disorder and DECADES of pain and bad choices based on the way people were allowed to treat me when I was young. By the time I was out of school I was marked a victim and many people sense that victim status and attack, I did not know how to behave with people because I had learned to be defensive and alternately try to please everyone or defend myself, both behaviors that put people off. It took me decades of therapy and meds to stop that behavior, bit by bit.
I am nearly 42 now and I am ONLY just learning to trust, I am only just beginning to understand deep deep inside that I am truly worth loving and deserve to be treated well. It wasn’t til this last horrible relationship that I realized I was allowing myself to be abused mentally still and that I was the only one who could fight the terror of being abandoned and alone that feeling as if anyone at anytime could turn on me had caused and get on with my life.
It wasn’t til now I could accept that someone as wonderful as Alex could really love me.
I just wish I could find certain people from back then and tie them to a chair and somehow make them listen and more importantly UNDERSTAND what their actions did to me, what I fight with everyday to survive and overcome, and do the same to their parents, tell them “these children you raised nearly destroyed me because you thought it was OK to torment someone.”
Anyway it is partly from finally having good decent friends in and out of the goth community, here in Boise and around the world who honestly care about me, that I was finally able to say I am worth love and affection and that I am not that scared and hurt child/teen anymore
Things have been weird weight wise for me this last 3 months.
Around April 10th I was 280, I had my 1 yr appointment 2 weeks early and I was getting ready for the Handfasting and stressing out, I dropped down to 274 (for about 5 mins) a week later and then with all the celebrating and stuff I was back up to 283 on the 7th of May. I then lost that weight to 270.4 last week and then weighing this week I am back up to 274.
Yes I know the body YoYo’s within a a handful of pounds but it is just stressing me out, first I had a pounds stall for three months where I lost lots of inches but no pounds then I lose 20 pounds, gain half of that back and lose that only to gain Half of THAT back. The point being is since the first of the year when I was about 300 pounds..(298 on Jan 8th) and 6 months later I am down only 26 pounds… that is 26 pounds after having 80% of my stomach removed and my guts rearranged and 6 months when I should of been losing hand over fist and have lost twice that amount. I am in the “prime losing phase” only just over a year out of WLS and the 18 month mark where everything is suppose to get harder is coming up FAST (4 1/2 months)
Weight loss since surgery 4-26-10 (starting at 412)
So today I call my surgeon’s office and ask if I can get a referral to the nutritionist and try to find a councilor who specializes in eating disorders, because yes that is what I have. Earlier this week I had a corn dog, well I bought a corn dog, one of my favorite pre-WLS foods and one guaranteed to make my guts rebel and I ate about half of it on the way home and thought “oh well corn dogs are the perfect bad snack, it comes with it’s own puke stick so I can just vomit when I get home”
I threw the rest of the corn dog out the window and yes when I got home I tried to throw up but my guts are determined and wouldn’t let me, my mind is still bulimic in times of stress but my body wont agree.
I have to accept that yes I am a carbs addict, and yes I still have food/behavioral issues that could kill me, cause I do know I dont ever plan to go back to being over 400 pounds, or even over 300, I could not handle it, and if I dont get this under control I will end up there or dead.