Feels like I can’t catch a break

I just can’t catch a fucking break this week.
I actually start liking exercising and I get a fucking sports injury that usually only endurance athletes get in my right leg (I mean fucking really?!?)
That stopped hurting so badly with the use of meds, ice and rest but because I was walking off balance I now have a totally different and much worse pain low under my left knee and can barely walk any distance and need my cane for fear it will give out and buckle on me.
I did this to myself by overdoing it on the bike, I was doing 20-25 miles a week and now I am not allowed to do more than 2.5 to 3 miles 3 to 4 times a week and I have to put ice (which I hate!!!!) on right afterwards
Here is the thing though…I WILL be doing 2.5 to 3 miles 3-4 times a week as soon as I can walk without falling or starting Friday whichever comes first…I am NOT giving up damn it!

Tickers for goals

These are my pre surgery physical therapy goals between now and April 16th

Days til surgery #1

 Straight Leg Raises (100 a day goal)

No more excuses

I know I need to make changes and finally I am finding reasons to get my knees done, reasons to be healthy, reasons to try, now I am seeking the Ways to make it happen.

It is time for me to step back and take a look at my life, ask myself “what do you want most to actually achieve? What things would you like to do that you have either not done or given up on?”
One of the first steps is to list my goals:
simple goals
difficult goals
complicated goals
realistic but hard goals.
Now is the time when I must take a much harder look, dig deep and ask myself “what excuse do I use to not even try to make these goals come true? What excuses am I giving others and worse, myself, to not make it happen or to not even find a way to do the best that I can and at least keep attempting to make it happen.”
It is time to be brutal, be honest and once I have a list of excuses I need to make another list of why each of those excuse is total bunk and bullshit, then make a list of ways I can try to achieve each thing, ways I can change things in my life to accomplish my goals.
It is time to stop finding excuses and start finding ways.

Excuses that all lead back to me needing to get my knees replaced:

I can’t exercise enough because my knees hurt so much (get them fixed)
I don’t sleep well partly due to pain and it makes me cranky (time to get them done)
I eat goodies I know will make me sick because of pain, I have little control when it hurts so badly (then it is time to face the fact this pain will last forever without a replacement)
I can’t lose weight if I can’t walk without so much pain (*cough* sugar *cough cough* sweets *cough* KNEES, REPLACE, NOW)

Excuses I have used to avoid getting my knees replaced (and the answers to why it is wrong)

Pain, it will hurt (I hurt every day of my life, I am currently 44yrs old with no massive illnesses, that is not right when I could fix it.  The pain and bad knees make me walk badly, my hips, back and feet pay the cost.  Major pain for 6 months to a year or ever increasing pain for life?)
They won’t last long (actually if I am good and keep my weight down I could be looking at 15 to 20 years, I would be 60-65 before they needed redoing and by then they might even have better ways to do it)
I will need so much help for a while I will be a burden (hate to break this to you chica but you are going to end up a bigger burden in 10 years if you can’t walk, now you will heal faster than you will at 55 and now mom and Alex can actually help you, then someday maybe you can help them.)
SCARS-12 inch+ scars (fuck you, I am aging faster due to pain, I see it on my face every day and it is worse on bad days, I am covered in stretch marks, I lost half my body weight, my husband doesn’t care about all that why should scars matter?)
I need to be under 200 pounds for a while (think back, that was my plan, the surgeon was willing to do them at 250 pounds, I wanted to lose to a magic number and I don’t think it will happen without the surgery, don’t lie to yourself)

So no more excuses, in a week I will know if we can do them,I want them done in April, I have 2 major events in March, I want chances of snow and ice to be slim and if the cortisone helps I would like to build up some more muscle.  If I have to have them done sooner, oh well it will have to be.
No more excuses.

What if I told you…

I have been afraid to go forward with getting my knees replaced for a lot of reasons, one of which is pain, but a few months in hell, pain wise, for taking a chance at making things better has got to be better than a lifetime in a painful purgatory being punished for what you were not brave enough to do at all.
My knees will not get better by themselves, even if I lost another 80 pounds they will hurt for life without being replaced, I also don’t think I can actually lose more weight without being able to move easier.
I am now thinking of pain like grains of sand filling buckets…a slow but increasingly painful trickle over the next 15 to 20 years will be far more suffering than a short deluge that may give me peace and comfort for the next 15-20 years.
I want to live a long time and part of that is me losing weight and I don’t think I can without being able to move more, what would the point of going through weight loss really be if I still end up immobile? I want to walk with my husband and not be a burden on him.
3 years ago on April 26th 2010 I had most of my stomach removed and my upper intestine rerouted and since then I have lost nearly 200 pounds (I had lost 52 pounds before surgery so I weighed 411 when I went in and I am between 212 and 217 now) 4 and a half years ago I asked myself basically the same question, do I want to be in the same condition and most likely worse in 10 years if I last that long? I realized I was more afraid of the consequences of standing still in the middle of the battle my life was than I was to fight to win. 
Now I realize that I am only half done with this battle, time to fight on the second front and win back my mobility and vanquish pain.  I can’t let doubt cause me to surrender without trying.

Resolution #1 treat myself right and learn from my mistakes

Ive been pushing myself, day after day, more and more lately.
Not because I want to prove something but because there is so much that needs doing. Things that need cooked, things that need cleaning, or need organized or created and I just don’t seem patient enough to take time, to wait for help, and I keep thinking I will be fine, that I can just do this one last thing and then one more until my body rebels.
I give myself just enough time for the pain to fade a bit (but not enough time to heal the damage I am doing to my joints, my back and my still weak muscles or messed up nerves) then I go back to pushing myself too far.
I should be the last person to be accused of a Puritan work ethic but I guess you could say that is the problem if by that you mean that I suffer a lot of guilt about weakness, real or perceived, or that somewhere deep inside I have a no pain no gain mentality, despite knowing better, and that no matter how often I see it to be otherwise I have a general conviction that if I can just push past the pain this will be the time I get blessed, get strong, get better.
The thing is while I can do more than ever before I still take a lot longer time than most people to cover and the more I push without letting myself heal the longer and worse the pain is during my recovery.
I have so much that I  want to do but I have to accept that when everything aches and I push everything begins to hurt.  I also need to accept that hurting is a sign not of personal weakness of character but instead a sign that I am harming myself and that in my case it breeds worse pain as it keeps me awake, keeps my muscles and nerves stressed and makes it harder to heal at all.
The hardest thing for me is not that I dont give assistance to others, it’s not that I fail to give understanding or sympathy or that I judge others too harshly but that I don’t give myself those things. I constantly judge myself a failure which is why I am so hard on myself and by being so rough with myself I set myself up to fail, thus making a vicious cycle of self abusive behavior and thought processes.
it is time that I learn to give myself time to heal, give myself the right to slip without it being a grand failing for which I berate myself then throw my hands up and give up trying.  Somewhere along the line I developed something of an all or nothing mentality  , either I succeed right off or I declare myself a failure and since I have already failed why try to do better?
This is one of the things I am going to resolve to do in the future, give myself time to heal physically, mentally and to learn new habits of action and thought.
  I need to allow myself to fail in small ways without declaring myself an epic failure and giving up, if I slip and have a small treat it is no excuse to berate myself as I eat more and more because I already blew my food plan, if something takes a long time to do it is no reason to hate myself and give up trying. For each small failing I need to simply start again, start over fresh and make myself succeed no matter how difficult it is without harming myself.  If one method leads to pain, to slipping where my determination is concerned then I need to look to find a better way to do things.
And so I resolve to be good to myself, to take care of myself and to find success from failures without giving up or repeating the same mistakes over and over.

10 Questions to ask myself about 2012 (cross post)

The best way to move forward into a better year is to look at the last one and reflect not just on what happened but on how it effected you and how you might deal differently next time.
1. What was the single most challenging thing that happened in your life that you over came or survived?
We moved out of the apt I had lived in for 8 years and moved into a house, first it was hard for me to give up the familiarity of a place though I had gotten to the point of hating it, secondly we have had to budget more money (still working on that) We managed to get most of the house put together and really wonderfully decorated. I have had a lot of anxiety about it and yet have managed to do much better.
I am also learning to keep up with the cleaning and maintenance for the house by following a Tumblr blog called Unfuck Your Habitat which is helping me realize that despite my health issues I can do what needs doing even if only 10 mins at a time.
2. We all live lives where we to some extent expect hardship but was there an unexpected joy in your life this past year?
Moving into our new house one house away from my grandma has both been stressful and amazing.

3. What was the single best thing that happened to you this past year?
Continuing to be loved by the most amazing person I know and being happy with him as well as realizing I can make him happy which motivates me to try harder to control my mood swings and stay on top of my depression and anger issues

4. what 5 words best describe the last year for you?

Creative, hopeful, loved/loving, impetuous, temperamental

5. What are 4 things you wish you had done that you did not do last year?
(1) I wish I had maintained better control over my eating habits, I managed it for a month then fell off the wagon and I want to get back to being in control because I spent most of 2012 not eating well.
(2) on the same note I wish I had exercised a lot more, I need to find a balance where I walk more, do more and yet not over do to the point of pain
(3) Yet again I wish I had gotten my art room/studio organized, first at the other place so that when we moved we could have it done here (which it isn’t)
(4) I wish I had learned to budget better and get my spending under control since it gives Alex undo stress to deal with

6. What were the biggest relationship changes in your life this last year both positive and negative?
I have had to realize I need to put my effort where it is needed and not waste my time on people and things that are a worthless drain to my physical and mental energy and that includes people who might be considered friends but are not worth the pain or anxiety. I have had to remove a few people from my life and redefine my relationship with others.

7. In what ways did you change (physically, spiritually, emotionally or mentally) in the last year?
I have had to deal with a lot of turbulence emotionally/biochemically with random bursts of anger and sadness and I have learned to recognize that it is starting and try to head it off or avoid people when it happens, I have not always succeeded but I am getting to the point where I will tell myself and others that NO I cant do something. I have also faced the fact this may be the way I am the rest of my life but I have to function with it.
Physically I lost a little more weight but I have not been building up my muscles and now have to play catch up
8. What one single thing would you have done differently over the past year?
I would have worked harder to gain self control, this effects every aspect of my life, spending, relationships and health

9. In what way did you waste the most time and what do you think you might of done without so much distraction?
The Internet…more art

10. What are a few things you would like to change about yourself in the upcoming year?
I need to work on my self control, on my spending, my eating (most of all) my self care, my emotions and my tendency to slack off.

Trying to get back on the wagon

I have spent the last 22 days being dragged behind the sugar wagon I fell off of right before my birthday.  Before that I had spent over a month barely eating carbs other than dairy and vegetables.
At first I lost 8 pounds (I was in the 220s for quite a while) and was honestly hoping that I would break 210 and stay there for a bit. But the weight decided to yo-yo between 217 and a one time 209 no matter what I did or did not eat.
Now that I have lost control of my Carb intake I am still yo-yoing but the number is now between 214 and 219, not much of a difference so far but it wouldn’t take much to end up back over 220 on New Year’s Day.
But beyond the pounds is the fact that I feel awful, physically and mentally.  I feel as if I have failed myself and everyone who has faith in me, I hurt and I am embarrassed by the effects eating sugar has on my body.  There are times I cry even when I am alone and I am the only one who suffers the effects.
The sick part?
Every time I get upset I want more sugar.  I will be in pain, my stomach as tight as a drum and my joints aching and still if it is in the house I will eat it.
And that is the rub, it simply can Not be in the house, I am not strong enough to resist it long enough to let the physical side of my addiction (a form of insulin residence) play itself out.
As long as I can make it past the first 10 days with no sugar I am fine, I feel more in control, I can see it in stores, I can smell it and even be around it and I can resist.  IF I can take the first step, if I can break the habit.
Maybe this time I will make it longer and maybe this time if I fall off the wagon in a few months I will get back on and not be dragged behind it for days and weeks.

Giving up so much but getting more back

So it seems that not eating carbs, sugars, and drinking lots of milky tea this week has finally made a difference, in 3 days I lost 5 pounds and I am now at my lowest adult weight of 217.

Lets just hope I can stick with it and lose 13 more pounds by Dec 7th (my birthday) to reach my goal of half of what I weighed the day of my weight loss Surgery when I was 411 pounds.
Personally if at all possible I would love to lose 20 pounds by new years day so I could strt the year under 200 pounds.

I just wish it was easier for me and not such a constant struggle.  I really wish that I had more self control but the fact is I have major impulse control issues, right now I am having to give up so much for my health and to reduce my pain on top of all the stuff I have had to give up due to my altered anatomy (but much of which I wasn’t giving up enough which explains why I have been stalled)

Just to give you an idea here is the stuff I can NOT have:
*Simple carbs/sugar, including alcohol,
*Large amounts of gluten,
*Pasta, bread, actually regardless of if it is gluten free my body can handle almost no grains/rice of any type, except very small amounts of Quinoa
*Almost every raw vegetables (only a small amount of well cooked ones)
*And almost all fruit due to the fiber,
*Anything at all with MSG or most nitrates
*Anything deep fried regardless of how little breading is on it
*Fibrous, dry or under cooked cuts of meat

*Too much Splenda sweetener

*Any sugar-free candy

*And I have had about an 85% reduction in caffeine from what I was drinking 2 weeks ago

Here on the other hand the kind of stuff I can eat:
Milk (lots of it…especially in tea)
Lite (low sugar) yogurt
Cheese
Very tender Chicken, fish, non fatty Beef and Pork (this gets old fast BTW..and it is expensive even when you eat small amounts)
Scrambled eggs in small amounts but not Boiled as they can make me sick
Small amounts of Quinoa
White or black beans super well cooked
Tomatoes and cucumbers (if peeled)
Well cooked peppers in small amounts, same with onions

Nuts like Almonds (though too many hurt my guts)

Peanuts and Adams Peanut butter

Split pea soup if I cream it
Decaf coffee and tea
A small amount of regular tea

When I stick with eating only what I can then I feel better eventually but the first week or so is hell, last week I tried to let myself have about an oz of dark chocolate but I think it was making it harder.

By the way when I list what I can and cant eat, or the meds/ vitamins/ supplements I take I am not looking for Pity not even from myself.
I knew most of what I was giving up with my surgery before it happened in late April 2010 (30 months ago) but I have cheated A LOT.  I realized recently that beyond slowing my weight loss I was having issues with sugar and carbs exacerbating my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and causing many symptoms to flair up and because it was getting so bd I can not eat Sugars (carbs) very much at all with out exhaustion and increased pain sensitivity and a serious increase in inflammation which leads to lower mobility and even more pain.

All of this is my choice, my choice to give up those things just as it is my choice when I eat things I shouldn’t, yes Insulin Deficiency makes it more difficult to resist sugar but it does not make it impossible nor does it force feed me against my will.  No, I am the only one who puts the food in my mouth and I can choose even if it is difficult to the point of tears not to eat something.

Everyday for years I had to make the choice to walk despite horrible pain (there are still days like that even nearly 250 pounds smaller) I could of chosen to give up and never walk anywhere but I kept moving s much as I could.

I make my own choices…I could have kept going as I was, not having surgery, not changing anything and simply continued to get bigger and by now I would be in a wheel chair and compulsively eating to deal with stress and pain and making everything worse and I would be in so much more pain than now and so exhausted (as I have been most of my adult life) that I would not of been able to help myself get better.

For that matter I could have kept going the way I have been for the last year or more since surgery, eating the foods I knew upset my stomach and guts and having no energy and stalling weight wise for months on end, and just hating myself for failing to behave.
So no I am not asking for pity, I made my choices and now I am trying to live up to the decisions I made.

sadly I realize that this means I get to change things like how I socialize since food is a huge part of that, there may be times when I shall simply have to avoid certain social situations until I can feel more in control of myself.

Positive self talk challenge

I have posted about this recently and I am glad to see others promoting positive self talk as well.

http://slimpressions.com/content/positive-self-talk-challenge

I hope to be posting some art journal work on the subject this week.

232.0

Weight countdown jars

23 months ago in Apr 2010 I had weight loss surgery, I was over 400 pounds, I had weighed 463 pounds when I was first scheduled for surgery in Aug 09 and since then I have lost nearly half my body weight
The half gallon bottle I tried was too small for 229 bamboo pieces (I used bamboo pieces from place mats and dyed them with alcohol ink I made) so this is a Gallon Jar next to a pint jar, my goal by the way is 190… not too worried about getting smaller than that just want to break 200

PTSD from old pain?

Note: it is kind of hard for me to type right now, I am laying in bed with my right leg very elevated and my mini-laptop on my chest (propped up on a blanket so I can see the keyboard) and I am more than a little doped up so bare with me. Today I got my forth set of cortisone shots in my knees and for the first time the shot themselves were very painful due to inflammation of the joint and connective tissue. Since it is difficult for me to take any kind of anti-inflammatory medicine due to the weight loss surgery making NSaId drugs dangerous for me I had not thought to take anything for swelling and since the pain was not too bad when I walked in I thought everything would be ok. WRONG…the shots themselves were unusually painful and afterwards we went out to coffee and I walked a little thinking that it would help break down the crystals in the cortisone and loosen my knees up. WRONG AGAIN we went home (appointment at 10:10, coffee around 11, then home by 1) and my right knee started to ache a bit so I went to bed and made a big mistake. I had my electric throw over me and the heat from it may have increased the swelling because quickly the pain was excruciating and I could barely move. Alex needed to sleep since he works nights so I got out of bed and took some pain meds and even some rum out of desperation and no luck. A call to the doctors office had them informing me this sometimes happens and that if there is swelling before the shot it can be made worse which hurts and can pinch the already damaged nerves. They said to elevate it and ice it (I hate that part) I lay on the couch with my knee up and a bag of frozen cauliflower on it and called my mom and cried because the pain not only was so bad but because it reminded me of the years of pain I had with arthritis and the many many times I hurt this bad with arthritis when I was twice this big. I had jinxed myself by saying that the worst pain with the cortisone worn off before the shot was not as bad as an average day at over 440. I think if it is possible I have a form of PTSD where my knee pain is concerned, I am terrified of the pain not going away and spending the rest of my life like this. There will come a time when I need the knee replacements and I understand that they are horribly painful for months and ache for up to years but I am trying to put it off if at all possible and lose more weight…I think I needed this reminder about how serious this all is to motivate me.

If I had any doubt that I really do need to lose more, that I need to be far more serious about it all then this changed that, taking a step and wanting to throw up from the pain makes me realize that I can never slack, I can never allow myself to gain back the crippling weight that did this to my joints in the first place.

Another note, out of desperation I took a celebrex, I took maximum strength chewable antacid, ate some stomach coating stuff and hoped for the best (still hoping one NSaID doesn’t do too much harm)  In July when I do this again I am doing a few things differently:

#1 super hydrate to help with inflammation

#2 take the 2 days before it easy and not walk all over the place or go out a lot so the knees can relax (i over did in the days leading up to the shot Monday)

#3 the evening before and the early morning of I will take first a Celebrex then later a Midol with hardcore Antacids and stomach coating foods (1 of each…talked to my WLS doc about it nd once in a very long while it is ok)

#4 late night before the shot I will ice my knees for a while and lay on my back with them elevated

#5 as soon as the shots are done I will go home, elevate them and relax, Alex has agreed to plan on taking the 3 days a year I get my shots done off just in case so unlike tonight I wont be home alone if something does happen

and most of all

I want to lose at least 3-4 pounds a month between shots so that I can be down another 12-16 pounds by July (putting me at around 220)

Every pound I lose helps!!