Walking the farmers market

Today we walked ALL of Boise’s downtown farmers market (about a mile) and even backtracked a lot and I feel fine, tired and a little sore but nothing bad.
4 years ago I was over 450pounds and never even thought of walking the market, I was so crippled walking into the store from my car hurt.
3 years and 2 months ago I had my DS WLS and was about 380 by this time of year and still could not have handled it but I began to think it might be possible some day.
Last year I was down around 245 and we started going to the market but the damage being so big had done to me meant I always walked part of it or the one time I did walk it all I was so sore I was near tears and hobbling by the end.
Now I am 195 pounds and I am more active then I ever remember willingly being since I was 21.
Just short of 8 weeks ago (8wks on Tues) I lost enough finally to have my first of 2 knee replacements which has always been my main weight loss goal.
There were days while I recovered that I cried from pain and wondered how I was going to face having the other knee done, but now I know I can do it, I will do it and I hope I do as good for that one as I am for this.
WLS was one of the best choices of my life, I may never be small, I may always be baggy as I don’t intend to have plastic surgery but I am determined I will make the most of these chances I have been given, the chance to start over small enough to not destroy my joints and bones with every step and eventually pain free and strong enough to maintain that.

Sugar and pain?

I have been reading a lot about carbohydrates and pain (sugars AND grains increasing some people’s pain sensitivity) all I know is I feel so much worse after eating anything grain or sweet, my stomach hates it my guts hate it and my mood goes to hell….AND my pain spikes or at least I notice it more.
There is also the fact that I seem to have no control over myself with carbs, I can’t seem to moderate them.  I honestly thought I could eat “just a few crackers a day” but I start with a few crackers and eat a dozen or more…then I want sweets.
So for this weekend at least I am giving up carbs and seeing if there is any improvement in my pain and my mood and my cravings.
So giving mom the triscuits and Alex my debit card and there really isn’t anything else but a little vodka for him to stash (it crashes my moods anyway) and seeing if I feel better by the end of the weekend despite being off Norco even at night.

Up we go

A lot of times we do things we don’t think we can do when we stop thinking about it at all.  Since my knee surgery I haven’t walked up steps and was planning to start with just a few at the Y.  Today I had to go to St. Lukes lab for my annual wls blood work…as we were headed out we got to the top of a flight of stairs, I looked at mom…”Did we come in this way?”
“Yes”
I had been thinking of coffee and chatting and hadn’t noticed I breezed up a flight of stairs, going down as always took a little thought but we walked to the parking lot again and headed out.
Now I know I can walk up stairs…lol

Big drop

After a 3 day hospital stay I was 234 from IVs (I went I at 222) pain meds had me constipated and then killed my appetite.
I went to an orthopedic rehab and scared them because they expected me to lose the 12 pounds difference and in the first 10 days I lost 25 …. by the time I left 3 weeks later I was 199.  Two weeks later and I average out at 195 (my new ID even says that) I was stalled for 2 months yoyoing between 212 and 219 until 3 days of stress eating caught up with me right before surgery.
Also I am 3 years out, I spent the entire time pushing protein and trying to get enough calories to heal and I am still trying and while I am on a lower dose of meds and can eat more often I now can’t stomach more than a few bites at a time.
Sometimes going back to basics does help, I now work out as much as I can, I drink 2 protein drinks a day (I am a DSer and need 140 grams of protein to heal OK) and eat about 85% protein with a few sweet or fibrous things to help with the constipation.
I could lose more quickly by not forcing higher calorie proteins like nuts but I am aware my body needs at least some calories to heal my knee. 
In the end basics matters but so does taking care of yourself

Feels like I can’t catch a break

I just can’t catch a fucking break this week.
I actually start liking exercising and I get a fucking sports injury that usually only endurance athletes get in my right leg (I mean fucking really?!?)
That stopped hurting so badly with the use of meds, ice and rest but because I was walking off balance I now have a totally different and much worse pain low under my left knee and can barely walk any distance and need my cane for fear it will give out and buckle on me.
I did this to myself by overdoing it on the bike, I was doing 20-25 miles a week and now I am not allowed to do more than 2.5 to 3 miles 3 to 4 times a week and I have to put ice (which I hate!!!!) on right afterwards
Here is the thing though…I WILL be doing 2.5 to 3 miles 3-4 times a week as soon as I can walk without falling or starting Friday whichever comes first…I am NOT giving up damn it!

Tickers for goals

These are my pre surgery physical therapy goals between now and April 16th

Days til surgery #1

 Straight Leg Raises (100 a day goal)

Fear of screwing it up

I will be honest, I am scared of screwing up this knee replacement thing.
I am not afraid it will hurt, it WILL hurt like hell but that pain should end soon enough compared to a lifetime of pain.
I am not afraid that the joint will fail or I will die, I am healthy, the odds of either are rare and I can only hope for the best.
No I am afraid that *I* will fuck this up by not being dedicated enough, not being strong enough to push through the pain and do what needs doing. I am afraid I wont be able to make myself do my pre surgery exercises in a sensible way and not set myself back, I am afraid I will slack on my physical therapy when the time comes.
I know I have an illness that makes everything seem just that much harder but I can’t help it, deep in my heart of hearts I am convinced, no matter how hard I try to think otherwise, that I am just lazy and a weakling.  Maybe it all really is my fault, maybe everything from insulin resistance to chronic fatigue are totally in my head and in the end I am just lazy.
Or worse, maybe they arent in my head, maybe I just can’t win.
OK so I have vented those fears so it is time to put them to rest, even if I am just lazy I can change, I can keep trying.  Even if it is an illness that makes everything I do harder I simply have to work smarter and more diligently and do what I already should be doing for my health with my eating, very high protein, moderate healthy fats, and very low carbs with very little gluten. 
And when it hurts, when I want to quit and give up I have to remember that this battle is for my quality of life as well as the quantity because I need to keep moving to stay healthy.